Cadaverous Love

Chapter Fifty-Two

I shake my head, trying to brush off his words, words that have left a lasting imprint on my skin. Standing up with shaky knees, I make my way over to the record player that sits on the small night stand against the wall.

"Dallas, come dance with me," I say, the pain and the sadness weighing me down. I take a record and place it on the player. Setting the needle down, the warm, dim room fills with the sound of music.

"Dance with you?" He half spits before wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve.

Taking him by the hand, I pull him up. He stands willingly to his feet and slumps against me as I put my arms around him.

"I'm sorry for the things I've done. I know that I'm the foolish one," I lean my head against Dallas's chest, swarmed by the smell of alcohol and the sad feeling that stirs in the pit of my stomach. "Now, that I see who's to blame, I'm so ashamed, I'm sorry"

"I'm sorry for the things I've said. Just like a child, I lost my head. I should have known from the start I'd break your heart, I'm sorry" We sway slightly to the song, Dal's arms around my shoulders. "Please be kind and I know you'll find. It's so easy to forgive. Darling, wait for it's not too late. Give our love a chance to live. I know the heartaches you've been through. I know for I've had heartaches too"

Dallas breaks away from me and sits down on the bed as the music continues to play.

"Come 'ere," Dallas says, his eyes barely open as he pulls on my arm.

"Where?" I ask.

"Here," he pats his chest.

A smile itches beneath the surface of my skin, "I'll crush you," I say.

"No you won't," his words are slow. He continues to tug lightly on my arm. Sighing and smiling gently, I climb onto the bed and lay over him. Drowsily, Dally slings his arm across my back as I let my head rest against his chest.

I listen to the slowed and drunken heartbeat that is pressed against my ear, as if it wishes to say something, to whisper quiet words his master has been drowning for far too long. I wish to speak to him too, I wish to understand the aches that shiver through his body, ones that reveal themselves in his master's angry eyes and harsh words; words that work long days and endless hours just to cover the true sorrow that stirs within. Dally's heart beat and breaths continue to slow as he falls into a peaceful abyss, and I wish that many good dreams will overtake the darkness in his mind, that a flooding light will fill his heart with an irreplaceable, iridescent and eternal light. I close my eyes, wishing to fall with him, but I'm afraid the only way I've fallen is in love, in love with a drunken, brutish bastard. And then on, I am simply mocked as my brain turns over thoughts I am accustomed to keeping left untouched.

How do you know that he really loves you, Emily? He couldn't even marry you with a straight head and sturdy knees. How do you really know he loves you the way you do him? Have you ever seen him look at you with tender eyes or felt him reach for you in the mid of the night, longing for your embrace, the way you do him?

I open my eyes in attempt to block the thoughts with the light that seeps into the room through the small opening in the bathroom entryway, but this, this is not the type of light I need to subdue the rattling of my innards. I sigh, wanting to push all of the sadness in the whole world away with simple breaths. I want to fix all hearts that are shivering and broken, and to hold every child who has yet to feel the true compassion and care of another human being, and those who simply don't experience it enough. I wish to give warmth to all who are cold, alone, and afraid, and I wish to give light to those wandering far from home. Perhaps, I search to mend those in hopes they will fix me too, and perhaps I know that I'm truly the only one who can sew up my tearing soul.