Indigo Blues 🪼✔

12 - Diving Deeper

*TANNUS*
I gripped the pictures in my hand as I made my way back to Oliver's office, tunnel vision and pure adrenaline the only thing pushing me forward. I had to get to a place I knew before I broke down... before the panic attack hit me full force. What Delilah saw was nothing compared to what would have usually happened. I was forcing myself to keep as calm as I did in that clinic. I thought I could handle it if it was just for a little bitty check up on the baby but I couldn't even do that... If I was going to freak out, I'd rather her had seen me when I was stressed and just in fear than when it all sank in and I had my panic attack.
She could never see that.
I would never let her see it.
I opened the door to Oliver's office and walked briskly to the water cooler, filling the tiny cups with cool water and trying to shake off the fear but it has already encompassed me and I grabbed the back of a chair to keep myself from falling to the floor. I was already sweaty and clammy and the trembling I had done was about three times worse. The tightness in my chest was so overwhelmingly suffocating and I felt the tears start to come out of my eyes again.
I hated this... this feeling of overwhelming and all consuming fear that just took hold of me like a huge fist and was continually squeezing, squeezing until the only thing I could do was scream. I kept myself from doing it, trying to at least wait until Oliver got back so he could take me home. I kept the screaming and the nausea at bay for as long as I possibly could.

By the time Oliver finally came in, I was in shambles and ready to burst. I thought for holding in a panic attack, I was doing pretty well. Obviously, I was wrong because Oliver looked at me immediately and knew something was wrong.
"Tannus? What's going on?" he asked tentively.
I was rubbing my hand up and down my thigh, trying to just keep myself together. The motion seemed to have kept it up for about fifteen minutes. The levee was about to break and if I moved a muscle, I would crack.
"Tannus?" He looked at the crumpled pictures on the table and then looked at me with wide eyes. "Oh, shit, Tannus, are you having a panic attack?"
I subconsciously nodded to his question and the flood gates broke. I couldn't stop the tears that were streaming my face and the immense trembling that took over my body as I shook like a leaf on a very windy day.
"Hey! Focus on me." He said softly but harshly as he turned my face to his. "We'll get through this. Why did you go, Tan? I mean..."
"I-I-I-I had t-t-to!" I choked out, the sobs robbing me of regular speech.
"But you couldn't wait for me? Or Johnsie? I mean... did you take Delilah?" I nodded. "Son of a bitch! Tannus..."
"It was su-su-supposed to me a little check up! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I wailed, feeling guilty for causing so much strife on everyone.
"Are you taking your pills?" I shook my head. "And why the hell not?"
"They're bad for the baby... The bottle says not to take if pregnant. I had to stop... They held me down, Oliver! They wouldn't let me go!"
Oliver finally pulled me into his arms, holding me close and tight. I gripped his back like it was the other half of my Velcro. I sobbed into his shirt, crying loudly and painfully. I was beginning to lose myself, my sense of self and sense of location was off. Oliver just held me close and never let me go.

*OLIVER*
Tannus never fully calmed down from the attack but I got him to the couch in my office and he was content enough to stay there and look at the ceiling. There was a fuzzy blanket that now occupied his arms instead of me. My shirt was soaked through and so I pulled out my spare from a drawer in my desk. I took the phone from the receiver and dialed Johnsie's number.
"Hello?"
"Hey, John, it's me."
"Oh, hey, Oliver. What's up?"
"I need you to come and get Tannus from my office for me."
"Huh? Why? His room isn't even finished yet."
"Apparently he made himself an appointment at a clinic. He took Delilah with him and his phobia started acting up."
"Great." Johnsie said with small enthusiasm. "This should be fun."
"Well, he's out of it now but you know how he is. He has to wake up in a familiar place or something."
"Okay. I'll tell Delilah about it."
I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. "I can't believe he did that... He's not on his medication either. He said it's not for pregnant women."
"He was only doing what's best for the baby, Oliver."
"I know but he could have a heart attack doing this sort of thing. I mean, I'm glad he's taking responsibility but he needs to understand that his mentality is at stake. Does he really think this will give him the favor to the baby or something?"
"Calm down, Ollie... I'm headed over there now."
"Get a pizza while you're at it. He'd be happy to get one."
"Alright..."
I hung up the phone and watched Tannus as he twitched in his sleep. He could be such a handful sometimes.
Johnsie came about twenty minutes later and knocked softly on the door. He opened it and peeked in.
"Hey, how is he?"
"He's fine for now. I don't know how he'll be when he wakes up."
"Yeah... I'm going to take him to Delilah's if you don't mind. He needs to be comfortable and Delilah said that he could use her bed while she helps me move all my stuff into my room."
I made a face and looked at Tannus' sleeping form.
"Are you sure Delilah can handle this? I mean, he's hurt us for doing things with him. Even way after the attack..."
"He's already left his mark on Delilah so he'll fine I think." Johnsie said as he walked over to Tannus.
"Tannus, you need to get up now." Tannus moaned and turned, looking at Johnsie. "You want to go home?"
"Go home?" he said softly, that glazed and unfocused look in his eyes.
"Yeah. We'll go home and go to sleep, okay? Shake it off?"
Tannus nodded and Johnsie helped him stand up.
"We're going home?" Tannus asked softly as he leaned on Johnsie.
"Yeah, Tan, we're going home. I even got you a pizza."
Tannus just smiled and Johnsie led him off.
I shook my head at him and went back to work.

*DELILAH*
I pushed a box into the house and toward Johnsie's room. He had to go get Tannus from the lab because apparently he was having a panic attack. If he had one after I dropped him off, then what the hell was that that was in the clinic? I mean, I thought that all that crying and stuff was pretty standard panic attack. Then again, I've never actually met someone who was having one so...
Besides, I had never seen Tannus like that. It was almost like he had unzipped that cocky, straightforward man and revealed the insecure and weak person he was hiding. Not that I had ever thought of Tannus as a weak person but that... I had never seen him so vulnerable. So scared. I sighed and went to go get another box when the door opened and Johnsie walked in with Tannus and a pizza. He motioned for me to get out of the room and I went behind the wall.
He led Tannus into my room and stayed in there for a little bit. He came out a few minutes later and closed the door softly, setting the pizza on the counter.
"Is he alright?"
"Not right now... Once he sleeps it off he'll be alright."
"So... if he didn't have a panic attack at the clinic then what was it?"
"That was him trying not to have a panic attack. He was just in hysterics, right?"
"Yes..."
"You would have known he was having a panic attack if you had seen it. The doctor would have seen it too."
"Why is he like that? What happened?"
"Oliver told me that it had something to do with when he was really little. Tannus and some of his friends were playing in the basement of a friend's house and they found some old knives. They were playing, like boys do, and he bent down to look at something on the floor. When he came back up, a boy had just been playing with a knife and had thrown it to try and get it stick in the wall, but it stabbed him in the back instead. His body went into shock and by the time they had gotten him to the hospital, they pronounced him dead. But he wasn't dead... he had that thing where your heart rate goes uber low and makes you seem like you're dead when you're not.
"They had already taken the knife out and was giving him fluids and shots to combat the bacteria but in the midst of it, his heart rate had dropped under the monitor radar and they thought he was dead. The defibulators in the ambulance were out of order and so they tried to resuscitate him but it didn't look like it worked. So, they bagged him up and stuck him in the morgue. He woke up in the morgue. I think you can figure out the rest."
"Oh my god! That's terrible! How long was he stuck?"
"About four hours. He was constantly screaming and kicked the door to get someone's attention and finally someone opened up the door when they kept hearing banging in the little catacomb things. He was covered in blood from his knife wound and scared half to death. That's why he's so afraid: it's because he's afraid they're going to make a mistake again and he will get put back in the morgue."
"Well that makes a lot more sense... Why didn't he just tell me that?"
"Did you see the way he acted? Who would tell someone about that? Besides, he's usually on pills to quell his fears just a little but the pills say that he can't take them. Or rather, pregnant women can't."
"Oh... I see...I feel bad now."
"He didn't tell you. Come on, let's get this all finished. If we hurry, I can be able to sleep in my room tonight!" he said with a grin.
I smiled at him and helped him get all his stuff into the room.