Indigo Blues 🪼✔

17 - Failure

*Tannus*
That memory I was supposed to remember still nagged at me but it seemed like there was some sort of wall between Delilah and me that just never seemed to be crossed. There were times when I could feel that Delilah liked me too but then it was like she distanced herself and I noticed that I did the same thing periodically myself.
I was almost at the end of this nightmare, though a miracle as it was, and then I could go back to doing my job, working out, eating right... maybe even trying my hand at Delilah's affection. Though sometimes I didn't have to guess. There was one night where I was feeling kind of exhausted and my back was hurting really bad, so Delilah offered her bed to me for a while. I laid on it and she actually laid down beside me and touched my stomach, making little swirls on my belly and murmuring to the baby. It was awkward but the affection was kind of sweet... though it should have been the other way around.
I didn't like when she did those things though, it made me self conscious. Like the one time she caught me when I was coming out of the bathroom. I didn't mind her looking or touching my stomach when it was time for a checkup but when it was regular times I felt really weird having her see me like that.
I remember when she caught me coming out of the bathroom, the towel wrapped around my lower half like it usually was when she looked at me in the hallway. We locked eyes and I turned my head from her, feeling ashamed and gross. I felt like a monster or something. I felt hideous.
"Why are you turning away from me?" she asked.
I looked back and jumped a little when I saw she had gotten closer to me than I expected. I moved out of her way and she looked at me with this strange expression. I had never seen it before... was it pity?
"Don't look at me like that." I snapped, turning away from her again.
"Like what?"
"Like I'm some poor soul who is trapped. Like I'm something detestable."
"I didn't realize I was looking at you like that. I'm sorry if I upset you."
I drummed my fingers on my stomach a little and looked around a little, hoping she would move.
"Tannus, why are you so shy all of sudden?"
"I don't like you looking at me."
"Why?" she said with a small chuckle.
"It's... it's kind of embarrassing..." I confessed quietly.
"For me to see you? I do your checkups all the time and you never act like it bothers you."
"Those are checkups. You're looking at the baby and focusing on what's inside, not me on the outside. When I'm here, all you can see is me... All you see is this." I said, looking down at my belly.
Delilah looked at my domed stomach and sighed, trailing her eyes back to me.
"Tannus, I'm not scrutinizing you nor am I staring at you. You're becoming really sensitive all of a sudden, you know?"
I shrugged and got away from her as fast as I could.
I hadn't been feeling too good for the last couple of weeks. I did the college courses online but other than that, I just felt all around tired and drained. I actually slept until almost 3:00 in the afternoon one time but I just thought it was part of the pregnancy. I noticed that I was kind of swollen all the time and a headache seemed to be hovering in the back of my eyes for days. I couldn't stand bright lights, almost like I was suffering from a horrible migraine that just wouldn't go away.
Johnsie came to check on me and put his hand on my shoulder. I moved my arm just a little to look at him and he smiled sadly.
"Hey, how you feeling?"
"Tired and in pain."
"You need to let us take you to the doctor, Tan."
"Never in the seven hells..." I grumbled, turning my face from him.
"If you die, Delilah will never forgive herself. Why can't you just it for her? Or for the baby at least?"
The baby... now that I thought about it...
"Johnsie, touch my stomach. Do you feel anything?" I asked.
Johnsie looked a little horrified but did as told and put his hands on my stomach. I left them there for a moment when a frown developed on his face.
"There's nothing. The baby isn't moving... is that a bad thing?"
"It's been like that for two days now... I don't think I'm okay, John."
Johnsie's eyes widened at me calling him his given name. He nodded fervently and left the room. He was gone for a while and then came back.
"I just called Delilah and she'll be here soon." He grabbed my coat from the closet and then helped me to sit up. "In the mean time, we're going to get you ready to go to the doctor."
"What? No! No, Johnsie, please don't do that!" I yelled, the pain of the migraine shoving into the back of my eyeball like a needle being jabbed in my eye as I wrenched back. "Anything but that!"
"Your baby might be in trouble, Tannus. Are you really going to do this?"
"Yes." I hissed.
This was one of the reasons I hated my level of nosecomephobia. I didn't care about anything or anyone as long I didn't have to go into the hospital. It was a sick phobia that made me seem terrible and even a bit heartless. I mean, I was willing to sacrifice the health of my baby for the peace of my fear.
"Tannus, I will not allow you to just sit here and cause more hurt to your baby. I will knock you out if I have to to get you there."
The thing about Johnsie was that he looked like a sweet looking strawberry blonde kid with happy hazel eyes but when things got serious, he knew how to look at you and make you believe he was in charge even when he wasn't sometimes. The look he was giving me now told me that he would not take any of my shenanigans as long as this baby was in danger. He really would sedate me if he had to.
But I could play hard ball too and he couldn't get me into that hospital unless I was totally unaware of the situation.
"I'm not going. You can't make me."
"Who says?" he said, crossing his arms.
"I do. You can't make me go there, John."
"And I say that I can. I will drag you kicking and screaming into that building if it means the lift of your child. A father doesn't abandon his child because of his own fears... You have to set them aside for the sake of your child."
I hated being lectured by someone who was younger than me but Johnsie did have point. I knew he did and I knew that I was being ridiculous but he didn't understand the fear that enveloped me when I saw that building; just the little H signs... In all honesty, I was afraid of how bad I would freak out and I would hurt the baby.
"Please don't make me go, Johnsie... I beg of you..." I asked on last time, a shooting pain coming from my right side of my stomach.
"For the sake of your child, I'm going to be cruel and go over your pleas..." he said softly, walking toward me.
I shook my head fervently, beginning to yell.