Something Worth Living For {Ryden AU}

8b

"Was it good?" I ask, pressing a soft kiss to his neck and wrapping my arms around his waist.

"Only the best thing that I've ever felt. In my life," he laughs again, turning over so he's got his head on my chest. He's silent for a moment, tracing patterns along my hip before he suddenly raises his head, looking at me with an expression that I don't quite understand. "Do I need to...?" he asks timidly, inching his hand toward my zipper. I quickly cover his hand with my own, pulling it away and shaking my head.

"No, no, you don't have to do anything for me, that was just for you," I say, offering him a smile. He visibly relaxes, smiling back and laying his head back down.

"Well, I guess we're not going to school today," I laugh, only just noticing that it's nine a.m. He glances at my clock, groaning and seemingly trying to will school out of existence. It's weird that Jayda didn't try to come wake us up. I guess she just knew that it's not something he needs right now. He could use a day off.

"I like being here," he mumbles softly against the cotton of my shirt, rubbing his cheek against it. "When I'm here I can pretend that I have a normal life." I stare down at the back of his head, wishing there was something I could do, anything to make him okay again. But how am I supposed to fix someone who's been broken for so long?

"I like when you're here too," I say, keeping my tone quiet to match his. It seems fitting to the mood. "I know you're safe when you're here."

"I only feel safe when you're with me," he admits, picking at my shirt and sighing sadly. It breaks my heart hearing him say that. Don't get me wrong, it makes me feel incredible knowing that I can make him feel that way, safe, protected - but for him to be afraid at all other times? That's not something I like to think about.

"Ryan, I think you should go to the police," I blurt, immediately cringing. He snaps his head up, staring at me like I've suggested we murder the president.

"What?" he practically shrieks, sitting up fully and turning to face me, his hair sticking up in a way that I'd point out is ridiculously cute if I weren't otherwise occupied.

"Look, I just," I sigh, rubbing my hands over my face and sitting up as well. "Ryan, you are not safe there. There's proof of what he's done, right here all over your body! He'll go to jail for sure," I stress, trying to remain calm because I don't want to upset him.

"Brendon, I can't do that to my father," Ryan whispers, pleading with his eyes.

"Why not? What has he ever done for you? He's a horrible person, Ryan," I say, maybe a little bit of desperation in my voice.

"I know," he replies dejectedly, looking down. "I know, but if my parents go to jail I'll be sent off to live with some other family!" he looks up at me again, his eyes conveying everything that he's trying to tell me.

"No, listen, I've thought about this for hours," I start, scooting closer. "Look, your mom pretty much went along with what your dad did to you because she was scared of him, right?" I clarify. He nods, his eyebrows creasing as he tries to understand where I'm going with this. "Well if she would testify against him in court, if you could get her to, then she'd be okay. You could stay with her. And I'm not condoning what she's done to you," I rush to say. "But I kind of understand why she was scared to do anything, what with her being abused too," I finish, letting out a deep breath and watching Ryan's expression clear up.

"Are you sure that would work? Her testifying?" he asks hesitantly. And honestly, no I'm not sure. There's no doubt that she'll have some sort of punishment, but if she plays her cards right I think she could avoid prison, unlike Ryan's disgusting leech of a father.

"I think so," I reply honestly. "I can't guarantee anything, but she might be able to get off with a slap on the wrist," I shrug. He scrunches his eyebrows at the phrase, and right, he doesn't know all the expressions and figures of speech that regular people are accustomed to. "Slap on the wrist means not suffering any major punishment," I explain. He just hums, nodding like you do when something is explained to you.

"I... I don't know," he bites his lip, suddenly standing up and looking around for his things. "I need to go home."

"Whoa, what?" I jump up, following him around as he picks up his stuff. "No, no you don't," I argue, grabbing his arm to stop him. He closes his eyes, looking at me with a resigned air about him.

"Yes, I do," he insists. "Brendon, you don't understand. I have to do what they say. I hate being punished," he shakes his head desperately. "They- they always said they're the only people that will ever love me. There's nothing else for me! They're all I have and all I'm ever going to have!" he shouts, tears forming in his eyes now. "They're the only people who care about me." And that's it. I can't take it anymore. It's like every wall I've been building between me and the rest of the world has been slowly cracking ever since I met Ryan, and now it's finally collapsed.

"That's not true!" I yell, tears coming easily to my eyes and flowing down my cheeks. "This - ever since you came here I've completely changed. Don't you get that? You fucking changed me. I spent a year thinking about the fucking meaning of life and wondering if I'm ever going to have anything worth living for. I was ready to give up, completely give up on everything because all I felt was hopelessness all the time! But you fucking changed that, Ryan!" I pause, breathing hard and choking on my sobs, my entire frame shaking because my body's just not accustomed to this emotion anymore.

Ryan stays silent, staring at me in shock, never having seen me act like this before. "Don't you ever fucking say that your shitty parents are the only people who will ever love you. Because I'm pretty sure that that thing I've been looking for, that thing that's supposed to 'complete me' and give me a fucking reason to wake up in the morning - I'm pretty sure it's you. You - you're what I've been missing this whole time. Your absence when I didn't even know you existed is what caused me to turn into a fucking robot!" I exasperate through a sore throat, pressed right up against Ryan now. "And there's no way your parents are the only ones who will ever care about you, because I fucking love you."

And then there's silence, the only thing interrupting the quiet being my labored breathing. It's like a disease that sets in - at first you feel nothing, don't even notice it's there, and then it slowly envelopes you, taking over your insides and killing them.

I've never told anyone I loved them before. Because I've never been in love with anyone.

Ryan drops his bags all at once, grabbing my face and smashing our lips together roughly, a broken sob spilling into my mouth. His hands are roaming everywhere, knotting in my hair and sliding down my chest, and I can't hear anything over the sound of my own heartbeat throbbing in my veins. He pulls back too fast, mouth red and shining, and he leans in close to my ear, whispers, "I love you too," and then he's grabbing his bags and darting out the door without another word. I stagger a bit, breathing harshly and feeling stunned before I finally kick into motion and chase after him, entering the living room just as the front door shuts behind him.

"Ryan!" I try, but he's already gone. Great.

I confess my love for the boy that I've already started putting back together and now he's gone home to be broken all over again.

Word Count: 1400