Walk in the light: Legend novella

Day (13)

Day

Again I watched June closely, somehow not able to avert my gaze in any other direction. I could tell she was suprised- though I'm not sure how or what made me come to that conclusion, some sort of sixth sense I suppose. It's like she has a wall around her all the time, and I knew that when I asked her that question, her wall had momentarily wavered. She sat now, her eyebrows creased together, looking for a way to explain. On the outside I waited patiently, when on the inside I was burning with curiosity, a thousand questions were still running around in my head. But through the dark blur of inquiries, one simple word shinned through.

Why?

Finally, after perhaps a couple minutes, though time dragged on as if it were hours, June drew a shaking breath and answered me.

"I couldn't stay." She wouldn't look at me, there was a tremor in her voice, as if she was holding back tears. Still, I was puzzled. She gave me back my past, told me we were lovers- and yet she left?

She must have sensed my confusion because she kept talking.

"I don't mean that I didn't-" She abruptly cut off, finding her words and started again. "I mean, I still..........I had no choice okay?" Her voice was full of pain. And the last thing I wanted to do was cause June pain- but I had to know. So I pushed on.

"But you did have a choice."

"No, Day, I didn't."

"You could have just told me everything. " I gently informed her, fighting down the urge to take her hand in an attempt to comfort her while wondering why she never choose to.

"I did."

"I meant in that room, the day I woke up from my coma." She kept her gaze down, shaking her head.

"I thought about it, I wanted to I swear. But......". She lifted her head and her gaze was focused on something else, a scene far away from here. She wasn't looking at me but I saw the watery sheen in her eyes, tears waiting to spill, but she held them back. I realized that she was looking into the past. She was stationed inside a memory of hers. One that brought her great depression. One that brought the Commander to tears.

********

The silence was long, the absence of our voices seemed to amplify the thuds of the raindrops. But to me the absence of words spoken out was erie. I waited for her to come back to the present, not daring to pull her out, knowing that I, myself had been stuck in the past for the last week or so.

She broke the silence.

She ran her hands through her loose hair, a sign of distress. She opened her mouth and then closed it a few times.

Finally she choked out:

"I'm sorry."

Those two simple words broke her.

The commander of California burst into tears.

********

I shook my head, mystified.

I went to her and kneeled down at her feet. I finally met myself take her hand, enclosing it in both of mine. It was warm and soft, but trembling.

"What? June.......please tell me." I couldn't even get half my pleas out before she was already shaking her head. "June.......I promise I won't be mad at you, it's all in the past. Just tell me why."

She slipped her hand out of mine and wiped her streaming tears.

"I.......I can't." Her voice broke and she cried even harder. She let herself fall onto the floor, I caught her head before it could hit the carpet. I put her head in my lap, stroking her hair.

"June. Tell me, please." I was pleading with her. Part of the pain in my voice was from seeing her in such despair. She hugged herself, shaking with sobs. It broke my heart to see her like this.

"Wwww-whh-why are yyyyy-yoo-ouuu here?"

"Because I need to know."

"Wwwhhh-hhhyyy?"

"Because I need to know if I hurt you." Her head snapped up, her eyes were red, she shook her head violently.

"No," she breathed. "No, I w-was al-ww-ayyys the o-one to hurt youuu."

"June-"

She gestured for me to stop. I fell silent, not daring to provoke her. She took a couple of deep breaths, regaining her voice. Tears were still streaming down her face, but she wasn't sobbing anymore. When she spoke her voice was still hoarse.

"You never......hurt me, okay? I....I was always the one destroying you. Inside and out. I....I caused you so much pain. If it weren't for me.....you would have been so much better. I made your life so, so tragic.

That day, when you got shot, it was because of me. I wasn't fast enough to save you from pain. I always cause it. And on the street, you were losing so much blood. I...I was right next to you, telling you that you would be okay. But you looked so helpless. So distant. I was so afraid. Day, I was so afraid I'd lose you. After everything we've been through. You would die because of me. You were so ...sad, I was desperate. Trying to keep you alive, not lose conscience. I tried to reassure you. But you just looked at me, so helpless. You were asking me to take care of Eden. Saying things that a dying person says. I saw you slipping away from me. And I prayed. I prayed to something, anything. I prayed that they would not take you away from this world, to give you what you deserved.

And when they granted that wish... and I went into that room, I saw what they meant. What you deserved. What you deserved was a life of happiness, joy. And when you loved me, every time you looked at me you remembered. You remembered everything that I had done to your family. You say that you forgave me, but I knew that a part you didn't. That every time you saw me, those scars were ripped open. And I was too guilty to do anything. You loved me, but with that I caused you so much pain. I loved you, and I knew that I could never bring you that life of happiness. That time is what might heal.

It killed me to willingly let you go.

But it would kill you if I didn't.

I couldn't see you suffer anymore. Not if there was anything I could do about it.

And there was. In front of me was the chance to give you that life you deserved." She smiled, a painful smile. One that ripped my heart open. Her words sliced me into pieces. I knew that she told the pure truth.

"I took a chance.

Hoping against hope that you would come back to me. "

***********

I held her there, our gazes locked together until her eyes fluttered closed. Taken away by pure exhaustion.

Then I gently set her back on her bed, climbed in next to her as a sudden rush of fatigue overwhelmed me, the running and begging had drained me, not to mention the pure emotional episode.

Her body heat enveloped me, I wrapped my arms around her sleeping form.

Then, lightly I planted a kiss on her forehead.

Her last words suddenly reappeared in my mind:

Hoping against hope that you would come back to me.

Lightly, I whispered in her ear;

"And I did."