Where My Love Goes [Love Live x Reader Oneshots] [DISCONTINUED]

a y a s e

Ayase Eli x Mute!Depressed!Reader

Requested by: Star_Pengu324

Oneshot

(First Person)

•••

Maybe it was just me or it could be the weather today, but you look pretty. You always do but not like I could tell you that. I'm sure you've...heard the rumors going around. I know you don't try to believe them. Take my word.

You should.

But it's not because I'm putting myself down. It's true. I can't talk, and I don't do anything to try to get my own voice. If the doctors themselves couldn't, how could I. It's pointless if you ask me. Waste of time and effort. I'd rather spend my time doing something else.

Though, your friend, Nozomi, might think I'm weird, just staring at you. I really don't mind. It's the only thing I can do from afar. And based from what I've seen, I've no chance of being with you.

I can't talk, I'm lonely and I'm...

Depressed. To say the least.

Not exactly the combination you'd look for in a person. Even I don't like myself. But, life goes on and there's nothing I can do about it.

All I can do is sit here in the classroom and wait for lunch to end.

xXx

I don't know what crawled into your ear and into your brain today but you're talking to me. All I can do is nod along to what you're saying. Nozomi is beside you, grinning. It's contagious, your smile and Nozomi's, so I can't help but to smile as well.

I feel...nice.

All warm and fuzzy inside.

Your power over me is so strong. I just follow along to where you bring me, up some stairs and out of a door onto the roof. The roof where I see all your other friends.

Friends.

What do friends do exactly? I've never had any. Hopefully, that would change with you.

I stood beside you as you began introducing me to everyone. Their names were too hard to understand. Maybe because I never had to do introductions before. But whatever it is that made this happen, thank you.

I've just met some of the most unique people ever. They're very... energetic. From what I see.

But the best sight was the blonde beside me, telling me stuff about her friends. With you, I've lost all sense of loneliness.

xXx

Too bad all that had to end. Of course, you all had to go home. I also had too.

Home.

It's become more lonely as I grew up. Lonelier as I realized no one would ever approach the person who didn't know how to use their voice. I never brought anyone other than myself home, no one to meet my parents, no one all because I can't communicate like a 'normal' person.

I'm always told, I'm also normal, just lacking a voice. It never felt that way.

But when you walked me home today, it was like all colors that my home had lost in my eyes had returned. The smiles on my parents' face were back. I could finally see them happy again.

I'd like to believe that I had a chance. But I thought I might hold you back when the time comes. I decided I would avoid any other interaction with you after this day.

xXx

It's been hell.

The best I could do to describe what I've been feeling. I'm slightly regretting saying 'no' to all your invites. I saw all those times you turned back to make sure I didn't change my mind. To be honest, I just wanted to give up and run to you, give you a hug or something.

But my conscience wouldn't allow that. I would only be a hindrance to your obvious successful future simply by being an acquaintance. I think it's best for us like this.

xXx

Was what I thought.

But they're coming back. Those whispers and voices in my head. I knew then that I was worthless. I could see that. And they were a constant reminder.

I though tuning them out would help but then I'd see you. In my sleep.

In my nightmares.

Your voice just begins to blend with the voices in my head. It's tearing me apart from the inside. I thought the only way to release pain was to cause pain.

That being said, I started seeing droplets of my blood on the bathroom floor, forming attracting ribbons of red, forming a pattern-less shape.

It was like a breath of air. Except I couldn't breathe in fresh air. Before I knew it, I was breathing the hypnotizing fumes made by none other than me. It made me see clearly into the world I created as my sanctuary.

A sanctuary of painful pleasure.

xXx

But these scars weren't meant to last.

And so was this distance between us. Someone was meant to close it.

And I knew it would be you.

It felt nice, feeling loved. Maybe I've been too selfish myself, thinking only of the worst when there was you.

Eli, I... I can't be here if you hadn't dragged me here.

And maybe, it was my choice, but I'd let you drag me everywhere, even to your heart.

•••

A no-dialogue aesthetic looks good especially with depressed reader various.