And Then There Was You [h.s]

Chapter Thirteen

For her, it was never about losing people. She never feared that after she told her story that people would leave her. She was scared that her past would taint her future completely, and if she let one secret slip she would never be taken seriously. The only thing people would give her was pity — not respect — and she was done with the sympathy. She'd rather be alone and as cold as ice than be warmed by the empathy of others.

"I want to tell you something," I said to Harry. After our... Indiscretion in Harry's classroom, we went back to his apartment. We were both tired and had barely said a word to each other since coming back here, but we had never felt the need to speak. We never found silence awkward when in each other's company. Plus, throughout the silence I had finally come to the decision to tell him everything about me. Or at least just a simpler version of it. I owed it to him. I owed him an explanation. I owed him a chance for me to open up to him. I hoped I could do it without crying, or without forgetting how to breathe. I tried to imagine what Harry's reaction would be, but all I could see was a sorrowful expression fixed onto his face. The thing I feared, besides finally telling him about me, was how he would take it. I knew Harry for about a month now, and I could see how he internalized other people's problems as if they were his own. He did this with his students, he did this with me. Harry was one of the most selfless and compassionate people on this earth, and he didn't deserve to carry my baggage on his shoulders. The thought of this only scared me more, but as soon as Harry sat up and asked, "What is it?" I knew that I had missed my chance to back out.

I really should've gotten drunk before doing this. 

 I would tell him. Not because I would benefit anything from it. I was doing this for him. Who gives a fuck if he shows me pity? Who gives a fuck if he wants nothing to do with me afterwards? I owed him my story. It's all he's ever wanted from me. Such a simple thing but so hard to get from a fucked up person like me. As much as I hated to admit it, I had learned to care for Harry in  ways I never thought I would allow myself to. And apparently, when you care for someone, you'd do anything for them — even if it means exploiting your biggest fears just to make them happy. The outcome of telling him was unpredictable at this point in time but, if I knew what was about to happen later on, I probably never would've told him.

It was her biggest mistake. But she didn't know it then.

"My mom died in a car crash when I was seven," I blurted out, almost unintentionally. The look on his face was nothing like I expected. He was curious. Maybe it was too early into the game to tell, but his facial response was nothing I could've fathomed. Out of all the scenarios that played in my head, this was not one of them. He looked perfect just gazing at me with big, intrigued green eyes and curls flopping over his forehead, while wearing nothing but his Calvin boxers. I took his silence as a blessing, and continued, "We were coming home from dinner. It was my parent's wedding anniversary or something so we wanted to go out and do something special, I guess." I had to take a sharp breath before continuing. Memories of the crash plagued my mind and I was finding it hard to breathe. I pulled my shoulders back as if needed air was being filled back into my lungs. It hurt to just think about the past, but talking about it? My chest was burning. My voice was shaking and mind was spiraling with memories I had buried so far down within me I had forgot they even existed. But I was doing this for him. I'm doing this for Harry. "My dad and I had a few injuries but the collision impacted my mom's side the most. She didn't make it by the time the paramedics came. I was unconscious most of the time but I remembered seeing her body strapped in a stretcher with a cloth over her,"

"Logan, I'm-"

"No," I cut him off. "I'm not done. I need to tell you everything so we can get this over with and move the fuck on,"