Funhouse (Incomplete)

Ten. Isla.

          "Goodnight Nexus," I whisper and shut the door, being sure to lock it. I check and recheck the lock until I'm satisfied and then sink to the floor, happiness filling my every move. I can feel my heart beating loudly in my chest and I swear it's rattling my ribcage and maybe even the whole house. The butterflies dancing in my stomach gradually fade away and I stand, my legs a little wobbly and wander down the hallway, making sure to turn on the lights. I can hear Steph upstairs in her room studying but Dad and Sophie are clearly not back from work yet and I move to make myself a drink.

          My mind starts to wander back to Nexus and I begin to panic at the thought he might not be home safely. I pull my phone out of my pocket and message him, my fingers typing fast. I get a quick reply and I smile at the bright screen, heart fluttering.

          Nex: Thank you Isla. I'm sorry for telling you so messily and you probably don't need this, but I trust you to keep it quiet. Always here too if you ever wanna talk xxx

          I hold my phone close to my chest and let out a small, happy sigh. Sometimes I really want to tell him, tell him everything. How much he means to me. How happy he makes me. How much I love him. But I can't. And I will never be able to. I could never have that kind of confidence. I close my eyes briefly, before climbing the stairs and knocking on Steph's door.

          "Heya, do you know what time Dad and Sophie will be back?" She looks blankly back at me and shrugs, her face taut with fatigue. "Honestly Steph, you need to take a break, you look whacked."

          "I am, I haven't slept properly for a while but I need to get these qualifications. Mum needs the money, you know that," she says and I bow my head.

          "Well at least take a small break. You won't take anything in if you study for hours on end," I blink knowingly and she lets out a defeated sigh.

          "I guess you're right." She stands up and leads the way out of her room. "Turn the light off," she tells me, but I ignore her and follow her downstairs, matching her steps. She grabs a bowl of Maltesers from the fridge, and a blanket from the cupboard under the stairs, and jumps onto the sofa, patting the space beside her. I huddle up next to her and she turns on the TV.

         "Mean Girls or Lion King?" she asks, holding up the DVDs. I giggle.

         "How about Finding Nemo?" I suggest laughing and she nods vaguely.

          "Okay, sure whatever." She inserts the disc and the screen comes to life, an explosion of vibrant colours, and I settle down comfortably, legs crossed. She offers me a Malteser but I decline and she shrugs. "Your loss." I watch the scene play out before me, immediately falling in love with the Disney characters. I remember once when we went to Disneyland Paris as a family, just after Mum and Dad split. Me, Steph, Sophie and Dad. One big happy family. That was, until I ruined the whole trip. That was the first time it happened. The first time I actually lost control over myself. I was only 12. I had no idea.

          No idea that it would happen over and over again. Over and over until I could fight my way out. No idea that I would never be able to shake it off. No idea that it would shadow me forever until the end of my life.