Saving Me (A SHATTER ME FANFIC)

A N G E L F I R E

"RACHEL, YOU ALRIGHT?"

The question jolts me from my daze and I raise my eyes to meet Alina's. The rest of our group watches me as well, worry etched on their faces as they pause midway through their eating. The last topic I recall them discussing was the Insouciance. How Kenji almost fell off the roof trying to point out a nonexistent constellation. If it weren't for Gomez grabbing him from the back of his shirt, Kenji might have broken some vital bones.

It elicited laughter from everyone.

Almost.

The hall around us buzzes with activity. Lined with neon blue tables and matching benches, covered by more than three hundred soldiers and officers. The male and female population intermingle; people who prefer solitude, at corners with heads hunched over their trays. I wonder if Reece is somewhere in the crowd.

Chatter and chuckles ring through the air. Even if many are complaining about waking up early, there's an air of freshness that smells suspiciously like wood lime. The scent of coffee and toast makes my stomach grumble. The breakfast in front of me has gone cold, I pick up a toast and nimble on its corner.

"I'm fine," I say, trying to sound strong. "Couldn't get much sleep last night, is all."

The latter was true even if the first was a stark lie. And my friends don't swallow it like I expect them to. To my chagrin.

"Bullshit," says Kenji cutting straight to the chase. "You called in an early night. How could you not get enough sleep? Are you going to tell us what's wrong or do you want me to torture it out of you."

I swallow a mouthful of coffee and sigh.

Trying to rein my thought towards my friends but they keep wandering back to Reece and what he went through.

As a child.

My heart curls in pain.

I don't know what I can do for him. What I even want to do.

The rest of the group is almost done with their breakfasts. We had manually joined two tables to form one big enough to fit us all. I look around the group, my peers look tired but energetic at the same time. Hiding their drowsiness with sharp smiles and vibrant eyes. Wearing plain, dark clothes with light colored jackets and boots, my friends blend in well with the rest of the soldiers.

It was Sunday, and technically the day after Insouciance is off so the whole place feels lethargic compared to what must be the usual strict routine.

Gomez had left half of his pancake on the side of his plate, preferring coffee instead and I see Selma sneak glances at it. But she doesn't say a word. I slide mine to her plate and she gives me a grateful smile.

I don't have the strength to return it.

"I'm fine, you dimwit." I tell Kenji with a bland smile. "Just weird dreams. I think they were side effects of the medicine I took. They kept me up for a while. It's a migraine ruining my mood. No big deal."

"Are you sure?" frowns Alina, bunching up her red brows. "I thought they didn't put any sort of hallucination-inducing drugs with functional medicine anymore."

"Maybe." I shrug, not like I had taken the drugs in the first place. "I couldn't get more than a few hours worth of sleep and it's kinda of normal around here, if you guys have failed to notice."

"You look like a zombie," Kenji points out cheerfully. "We believe you."

I was aware of the dark bags beneath my eyes and the paleness of my brown skin. Looking at myself in the mirror this morning was a sore sight. I resembled someone who was kissed by death and then run over by a dozen trucks. Even now my green shirt and khaki pants made my stiff form look lankier than usual. My hair was bunched up in a bun, dark tendrils sticking out.