Through My Looking Glass 🔬

Death

What a funny thing death is, that when it's someone else who dies, your whole world seems to break, yet death can also be on your mind or your to-do list for yourself. These days my mind seems to just go to the idea of death and how great it would be, but I just can never seen to muster up the courage to go near death. And it bothers me, because I feel like I'm stuck between two worlds and I can't seem to fit in either one. These days, I just choose to avoid telling my friends or anyone else how I'm feeling, I don't tell them how hurt I am right now or that I just want to leave this life, and dissappear. I convince myself that they don't care about my problems, that they're too busy, and that they don't have time to deal with my pitiful problems. And I guess I'm starting to believe it, because I'm not telling them how  I'm really feeling, not even right now, when I feel like a dissapointment to my mother, and that I'm never good enough for anyone. The things that are in my head right now, are anyways to dark for them to deal with. And I don't even want them to know, because they might try to cheer me up or tell me that it's not that big  a problem to deal with, they just don't get that right now, I just want to be sad, because I'm so used to it. Sadness is one of my friends that's never left, it's always there behind my big bright smile, it's always there for me and it just never leaves. And I'm fine with that, because then I can go on criticizing myself over small mistakes, and I can keep on  thinking that the world would be a better place without me. But then again, death scares me, it already took one of the most important people in my life, and I doubt it's going to give him back anytime soon, which is why death really confuses me. Because why can I look at myself and want death, but then look at someone else and want the opposite for them. It's strange that I can look at other people with such a high opinion and at myself with such low opinion and hatred. And I know I should stop doing that, and stop looking at myself like that. But the question that I will always ask and that no one has ever really answered is, how do you stop? How do you stop thinking so low of yourself when you've done it your whole life? Because when you're as used to it as I am, well, then, you simply cannot seem to stop, no matter how hard you try. And the question will keep on staying in my head for years, until can get an answer, but until then, I guess I'll keep on acting strong, and I'll gather up the courage to keep living through this hurt, because maybe there's more to life. Maybe one day I might find that the hurt ebbs away, and that I can look at myself and see beautiful, and smart and strong, and even it almost kills me I will get to that point one day, and to hell with anything that tries to stop me from that, because I will get there, someday.