Shades Darker | BWWM

There's No Fix ✨

My eyes jerk awake and I sit up in my bed breathing heavily. My hand flies over my mouth as I burst into tears. I sob hysterically yet quietly to myself as my dream replays in my head. It's the same dream I've been having for a while. Keon, David and I walking home to getting that call and rushing home to find our dad's face plastered all over the news.

Wiping my snotty nose another tear falls from my eyes. I get out of bed and head into my bathroom to wash my face. My eyes are puffy and my nose is red from rubbing it. My bottom lip trembles as I stare at myself in the mirror.

It isn't fair, it's not fair how my dad is dead and that murderer is out living his life as if he deserves it. The thought of him going to work than coming home to make himself a freakin' sandwich and kiss his wife makes my stomach churn. The lump in my throat enlarges and more tears blur my eyes.

Sinking down to the floor I bring my legs to my chest and cry once again. It just isn't fair, he didn't do anything, I know he didn't. He always told us to be careful when we leave the house because once we leave our home it's anybody's game out there, especially for Keon and David. He always told us that it's dangerous for people like us.

It's dangerous to be black in America.

^.^.^

I swipe up to see the text that Cole sent me this morning to meet him at Starbucks to talk before school. I'm not sure why but I'm too tired to think about it. After my episode earlier I couldn't fall back to sleep and I'm currently running on about 5 hours of sleep.

Yawning, I pull into the Starbucks and grab my bag to head inside. I walk in and I groan at that smell. It smells gross I don't know how people even eat and drink here. I prefer Dunkin Donuts.

I see Cole sitting by the window with two cups, one by him and one on the other side. For a second I didn't even recognize him. He's wearing a white t-shirt covered with a black bomber jacket and ripped black jeans. He's wearing the new Jordan Retro 13's and some white hat. I make my way over to him and take a seat.

Freezing I take my cup and drink whatever is in it. Surprisingly, it's hot chocolate. "Good morning" He says while taking a sip out of his cup and I say good morning back.

"You look like crap" He teases and not really in the mood I just let that one slide.

"Why am I here Sterling, class starts in a few and I have things to do?" I snap and he puts his cup down. Leaning back he asks me how I am. How I am? He dragged me out here to see if I'm okay?

"You couldn't ask me this in school?" I question irritably.

"I wanted to ask you in private away from your friends" He respond and I question why he would want to do that.

He shrugs, "You seem nicer when we're alone, not as vicious" I take offense to that and when he eyes me I give in. I guess I can be kind of a bitch to him.

"Am I really that bad?" He questions and I ask him what he is talking about.

"I mean you treat me like dirt off your shoe so you must have a reason, I've never met someone who just genuinely doesn't like me" Sitting back I take another sip of my hot chocolate. He raises some good questions.

I guess I never really gave him a chance before but he just doesn't understand. For me, it's hard. Trusting people like him after what I've been through. I know, it sounds harsh and it sounds like I'm discriminating him for being who he is and he can't help that. Same as I can't help being born black.

"Kendra?"

I look to Cole who is staring at me, "You just went somewhere, what is it?" He questions and it's on the tip of my tongue to tell him that deep down I really don't hate him, I just don't trust him.

"I can't" I say and he narrows his eyes at me.

"You what?"

Flashbacks of my dream comes back to me and I feel another lump growing in my throat, "I can't" I repeat louder this time.

Tears form in my eyes and I look away to wipe them away, "Kendra?" He asks and I shake my head.

"Just stop" My voice breaks and I pray that this not be the time. I can't break down, not in front of him. This would be the most embarrassing thing I could ever do right now. He gets out of his seat and kneels beside me as I cry into my hands.

Taking my hand he leads me out of the store and into his car where he lets me cry in peace. No judgement, no teasing, just him listening to my cry uncontrollably. It's gotten so bad that I'm literally trembling in the back seat of his car.

He notices my state and takes off his jacket. He wraps it around and pulls me close to his chest. The funny thing about this is, I don't even object. I don't shudder under his touch nor do I feel disgusted. I'm just glad he's comforting me instead of teasing me.

I know it's official, I've completely snapped.

He holds me close to him and I breath in his scent. Damn this boy smell good! After a while I realize that I had stopped crying and now he's just holding me. He's surprising comfortable, "Kendra" He speaks his voice low.

"Yeah" I answer.

"You know we're" He doesn't finish and I tell him that I know.

"Kendra something is eating at you I can tell" He says and that's my cue. I lean out of his arms and begin wiping my face. I thank him and turn to get out when he grabs hold of my arm pulling me back.

I shut the door and he pulls me closer to him, "Tell me and we can try and fix it" He says and I shake my head.

"You can't fix it, there is no fixing it Cole" I feel my lip quiver and I put a hand over my mouth. I hate crying, it's therapeutic sure but I still hate it. He brings his hand over mine and pulls it down.

"It's okay to cry, nobody is going to judge you for it" He assures me and after a second I just let myself go and let the tears flow. I hide my face away from him because I know for a fact I cry ugly. Nobody cries cute but I think I'm hideous when I cry.

Cole asks me if there's anything that he can do to help me stop crying and I know one thing. It's the only thing I want right now even if it has to come from him.

"Can you do me a favor?" My voice breaks and I sniffle.

"Anything" I nod my head knowing what I'm about to ask is crazy. Fuck that, it's delusional but I need this so bad.

"Can you just hold me please?"

A/N: Good Lord, my girl Kendra has snapped! She's broken down and tired (In my best Andra Day voice). After reading the comments I felt as though Kendra needed to explain herself a lil bit for her you know feelings and doings. Hopefully this clears up a bit of confusion about her, she's not a bitch just a girl whose trying to navigate her feelings. Sometimes one can only do their best considering their circumstances.