Tell Me I'm Dreaming // poetry

21. The Fallout

I waded into the bitter waters
under the shadows of the lotus pond.
In an era stranger to the sun,
I saw you rise, on leafy fronds,
with pale pink offerings all around,
more graceful than I could have done.

I reached my fingers out to feel
if this newfound grace indeed was real.
My hands, you covered with your own
My heart, you said, would be your throne.

I fell into your midnight pools
that stared into my very soul,
and whispered there some secrecy
that I naively did believe -
that if I followed you to hell,
you'd free me from life's prison cell.

You met me when I closed my eyes
You held me fast asleep at night
and whispered that if I were to die
it would only bring me to your side.

You kissed me with a gentle promise
and said I'd be your holy goddess.
Then told me if I loved this lie
I'd die for you to keep my life.

You poisoned me with words like wine,
with touch and kisses down my spine,
with looks that made me feel like love
you clipped the wings on the whitest dove.

You told me what I wished to hear
that you would take me far from here.
You said you understood my pain
and the world sat dying, still in vain.

You fed me lies about yourself
then tricked me to despise myself
I was nothing, you, everything,
and your blood crown hid behind the songs you'd sing.

For months on end, I walked this dream
and it carried me like a mountain stream.
Through fantasies and clever lies,
you made yourself my lullabies.  

At last one day, you came to me
and told me I could be a refugee
away from earth's existential agony
and in a space without antagony.

You would be my house of safety,
in your golden palaces by the sea
we'd laugh and dance, till the sun went down
on a world fated, still, to drown.

The only catch was that for me to be
by your side, I must agree to leave
and wish farewell upon the world
and then hello, to the underworld.

It felt so sweet, so silky smooth,
your voice, your promise, your lying truth,
You led me, step by another step,
till I was hanging by the doorstep.

But then I heard another voice
that whispered of another choice
of love that was true, and truly free,
and how I was loved, even me.

The promise you made me was of salvation
but somehow I felt like this was no redemption
At the edge of death, it broke the spell - 
And I was freed from life's prison cell -
but not by you, and your dirty tricks
your deathly lies and your words like bricks
but by a greater love above
all-surpassing, everlasting.

I found a life that outlasted time
And a hope that would be always mine
The life of self I gave to the world that ends
and with its dying breath, I felt my life begin.

To save me, you said, you would kill the world,
but it was me you were planning to kill.
How I fell for it I will never know,
but now my faith overcomes my deepest woe.
Still, sometimes, I sense the sorrow,
darkness threatening my tomorrows,
still, sometimes, you come to visit
but this time, you abide by my limits.

I still find you deathly beautiful
and I still love you like I love the world -
with pity for its fleeting mortality
you're beautiful, still, because you die.
You king of nothing that matters now,
you lord over nothing that can make me bow,
life has found me and so has love
and truth and hope that comes from above.

I would kiss you, kiss you goodbye,
but now you're below me, and I can fly.
I have not lost my imperfections
but I need not be perfect to receive affection.
You are the vanity I saw in the world
you are the lies of the hopeless girl
I once was.
But you are not the saviour of the world,
but a demon dressed up like a king,
because of how you envied those golden wings
of hope and love that you never knew
but I did not end up like you.

This is the fallout, of a story of love
and finding it,
because I
chose
to live.

_______________________________________________________

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

As you can tell, this was rather a personal story, and it does have some religious themes. After all, it reflects my experiences with depression and with overcoming depression with the help of my religion.

This poem is a really long one, and it did take forever, and even so, I'll probably have to go back to edit. But anyways, this is the last one of this section, and the start of a much more hopeful chapter. :)

- The Author