Trying To Heal

Chapter Two

SONG: Liue - Suffer With Me

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Derek Matthews

The kitchen is pleasurably unengaged. I cook breakfast: pancakes fused with bacon strikes. I slice the onions and potatoes. Instead of adding bacon, I add chicken stripes. Battering the milk and eggs in a bowl, I pour it onto a hot pan, sprinkling the cropped parsley across the mixture.

A stride resounds in the near corridor. My butler enters. "Good morning, Derek."

"In my entire life, that is the fifth time you called me by my name."

"I want to offer you my condolences. I'm truly sorry, Sir."

I turn on the tap, spraying soap and cleaning the grime of food off. "The doctors confirmed she will not make it." The cold water warms. "They are trying to prevent that."

Gareth absorbs the sight of my gradually-fading bags. "Stay at home next week, Derek."

"Unless I want the court to be a pain, I should go to school."

"Since when has the court been a pain to the Matthews?"

"I want to see the people who suddenly care about her when in the past they never bothered."

I should be hopeful. Perhaps I still have work to do. Perhaps that depression has not ultimately disappeared and is lurking in the depths of a cage. I have experienced so much loss, that it is hard to convince myself another person I love will survive—

I close my eyes. Fuck.

This is when I apprehend that I have fallen in love with her. I fell harder and faster than the devil. This period is too crucial to love. It seems my heart and gut are a stronger alliance than the body of the mind.

During rehab, I reflected on the kind of relationship I want, the kind of woman I want by my side. April ticks each box. She makes me feel safe. She calms me. She gives me peace of mind. She gives me hope that not everything I touch turns into corpses and ashes. I can vividly imagine an entire life with her — living in a house, conquering the world together, being on top of the world, being the richest couple to ever exist, and becoming the wealthiest Family of the Decagon. If I have her by my side, my life is complete.

It is hard, cousin, to be truthful, said Xavier Everston. When you find someone, you will understand.

Is that why Luke is not interested in relationships — is he frightened?

"Blessings and curses," I mumble.

"Sorry?"

"We are blessed and cursed. That is the motto for our Family."

Cursed for being descendants of the First Everstons, either biologically or willfully, and blessed for breaking generational curses. Blessings and curses cancel out each other. It brings balance, and that balance is crucial for the endurance of this small Family. Was it General Akamai who suggested this dynamic logic?

Gareth steps closer. "April's situation is not a curse."

"I want to take everyone's pain away. I have desired that ever since Dad killed himself. I firmly grasped that everything that occurs in this fucking world is my fault—"

"Sir," he tries.

"If I take everyone's pain, if I know I can hurt someone, can kill someone for a loved one, shed and wipe tears for those I care about, who can take away my pain? Whenever I think I reached the calm of the storm, something happens. I know I should be the only one to create my own peace, though I want someone else to do it for me."