radio

32

dan

it took me about an hour to get comfortable enough in phil's—dare i say casual—presence to curl more under his arm and throw mine loosely around his toned torso, his eyes diverting their attention from the movie for a brief second to watch me before he pulls me closer and places his chin on top of my head.

all the build up of wanting to stay away from him has gone down the drain—all the times i refused him for friendly dates, all the times i had to pretend to be irritated with his company, all the times i had to force myself to think that i wasn't hopelessly obsessed with him—they all seem so insignificant when he's holding me like he means it. i know he doesn't, every part of my sanity and my hurt pride is screaming at me to get away from him, to stop feeling placid as his fingertips push softly into my arm, to stop hoping that this time it symbolises something other than just meaningless flirting.

if i didn't have a desperate craving for unabashed and inclusive romance, whatever we had been doing before would be so much better. i didn't have to care about whether he will hold my hand or ever lay down in bed with me and discuss my insecurities—i could just kiss him and forget about it the next day.

only if i had enough valour to be one of his one night stands and not get my heart broken.

"you alright?" his fingers graze up and down my arm in an action that's supposed to be comforting but only raises a minefield of goosebumps against my pale skin, and i flush, pushing my cheek further against his chest and nodding my head.

"why?"

"nothing i just noticed you weren't watching the screen so i thought i'd ask," his voice is so much calmer than it generally is—a gentle undertone of gravel, the tiniest hint of care behind his words.

only if it was as genuine as it sounds.

"no, i'm fine," i half-lie. i mean i am fine but i'm also questioning if phil and i can ever be just friends. just two people who hang out and work together. just two people where one of them isn't pining after the other, clinging onto a weak sliver of faith.

"are you-um-" he stammers in a very un-like phil way and i look up at him, watching as his ivory cheeks flush a pale salmon. "are you comfortable with this? i don't want to force anything," he doesn't meet my eyes as he says the words and god my heart flutters like the pathetic organ it has always been when it comes to phil lester.

"don't worry," he looks at me as soon as the words leave my lips and his eyes fall torturously slow to my mouth before he gives me a small smile, leaning forward to bump his forehead against mine and stop my breathing completely in the process. and when his lips touch the corner of my mouth, i am a hundred percent sure that he wants me to cling on that weak sliver of hope a bit longer.

i don't acknowledge the three hours that pass and how two pizzas can still exist after we have seen two movies in a row, but when i feel the heaviness behind my eyes and my body starts falling limp against phil, i finally move away from him, his eyes following my movements in mild panic.

"something wrong?" the analog on my phone reads 2:13 am and my eyes widen slightly. what the hell? how can i out of all the people spend so much time with a person and not think about my bed?

"it's two am, i should probably go," i scratch the back of my head nervously and phil sighs in relief as if he was expecting something much worse to escape my mouth. he leans forward and grabs my arm, pulling me back to his chest and scrolling through another bunch of movies, completely ignoring my statement.

"phil?" i blush, and he hums softly in response, his chest vibrating slightly with the sound. "it's literally two am i'm not kidding,"

"i know,"

"so?"

"so? i need to go,"

"not really,"

"what?"

"god can you take the hint? i want you to stay," the words leave his mouth in an unbelievably casual tone and i can't believe that the blush on my cheeks heats further—i might as well burn a hole through his shirt.

"um, a-are you—" i'm not sure what i want to say but my increasing heart rate definitely doesn't want me to deny.

"would you mind? we can just have a movie marathon, i'm not very sleepy,"

"u-um alright i guess,"

and god, phil lester is going to be the end of me.

--
hey!! i hope ur all doing well & good

today was my last day of school and i've been crying like a little bitch all day so heres an update that helped to actually procrastinate my own emotions

wow thats a different level of sadness

anyway, hope u like where this is going!
love u