Weird Dear Evan Hansen One-Shots!

Depression: According to Connor Murphy

Wow two in one day?!?!?
Guess what?? This one features Connor's life sucking!! It's 890 words of pure angst.
It's exactly the title.
I tried to change it up a bit, so now we have a radio showish format.

Trigger Warning:
-Mention of depression
(I think that's it)

Connor [Into microphone]:

Hey... Is this thing on? Hello? Oh yeah, I see the red light thing is blinking.

OK so I'm here today to talk to you about depression? So I guess let's, get to that?

So what is depression?

Now, let me clarify, I don't necessarily mean depression: the mental illness I mean depression: that feeling that you get sometimes, or all the times, or pretty much every second your entire life.

So depression, it's like a ... It's a, well it's that feeling that you, when...

Well, this is harder than I thought.

I guess it's I guess the best way for me to describe it is that feeling that you get when you just don't want to do it anymore? Like you just don't want it. And you don't really understand why anyone else wants it. And why you can't.

And if you don't understand what this it is, well I'm not gonna explain it to you, so ask a friend or therapist I guess.

OK, let me try to break it down further I guess. For me there are two types of "depression," there's the sad kind and the no thanks kind.

The sad kind is, exactly what it sounds like; you feel sad.

Not like the "I got a bad grade on my math test" or "my parents grounded me" or something like that, it's more of a crushing feeling of self deprecation that never really goes away. And it's not the funny ha ha kind, it's more of the "you can't do anything right you stupid little piece of-" I'm not supposed to curse or use drug references, I'm sorry.

It's usually also sprinkled with...no infected by...that's not the right word either, served with an equal portion of suicidal thoughts or actions. And you just kind of have to go lock yourself in a bathroom, or some room where no one can see you, and put your head down in your hands and cry for about five minutes because if you do it longer than that then people were start to worry about you or think you're a freak for showing your emotions. More likely the second one.

Then there's the second kind; the no thanks, I just don't really want to do this at all right now and why do you?
Again with this unspoken word that you probably figured out by now but maybe you didn't.

It's like that you feel yourself drowning in a sea of something: not sadness not necessarily anger but not nothing either.

It's more like blah.

It's like it makes you not want to do anything except curl up in a ball and lay in bed or on the thing closest to you, even if it's the floor of your science classroom.

It's like the whole world is bumming you out but 10 times more than that.
Like, you could be smoking the most amazing pack of weed er... Eating the most incredible ice cream you have ever tasted in your entire life and it still tastes disappointing?

Like, it's really bright outside and to everyone it's a sunny day but to you the light kind of blinds your eyes and you hate it, and you think it's not fair that you hate it.

Oh, I forgot, you also get really really angry all the time over nothing and you wonder why people would do this to you even though they might think nothing of it. You're just like, "I really didn't need this today maybe you could just-Never mind, you can't hear me anyways." It's like that song Lifeboat, from Heathers you know, "I float in a boat in a raging black ocean low in the water with nowhere to go?"

Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't. I'm sorry if you can; it sucks. I mean there are definitely days when everybody wants to just not anymore. But hopefully you get past that one. Because there are others when it makes you happy or your self deprecating jokes turn out not incredibly deep or anything other than a little bit sad. There are days with a little bit of light.

Heh, I probably sound like that weird kid, Evan Hansen, with the extreme social anxiety? (That must suck also.)
Because I don't sound so certain of myself. I know that when you're listening to this you've probably picked up on that, but maybe it's just because I'm not a totally psychotic, heartless killer like other people in my grade think I am. Or at least joke that I am.

Taking a deep breath now.

And maybe I paint my nails and grow my hair because I like it, and not because I'm trying to look scary and trying to freak out every kid that walks near me in the hallways. And I do not find enjoyment every time that kid Evan talks to me and flinches because I say "hi."

Of course I know what happens. I'm not a complete a**hole.

Darn looks like I just f***ed up the whole no swear thing.

I notice things. I notice other peoples problems more than they probably ever noticed mine and more than I should.

Well I guess that's all for right now. Someone will probably come in soon.

So I guess I should wrap this up quickly.

Good luck with everything. And please stay safe. Because I know someone will come running.

Sincerely,
Me

Well, I did warn you.
*laughs awkwardly*

Your friends are here for you.

~InvisibleRainbow6
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜