No Love Attached

chapter fourteen : sex & the city

| No Love Attached |
chapter fourteen : sex & the city

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Sex was everything in this world.

It was the true motive behind any intention. You'd have to be naïve to think otherwise. At a very young age, I realized sex could get you anywhere in this world. It was power.

Now, I'm not only talking about actual intercourse. For a woman, something as simple as the bite of a lip or undoing of a mere top button could get you further than hard work and dedication ever could.

Just because I've been celibate for almost four years, doesn't mean I haven't done what I've had to do to get an author signed or a book published. Who cares if I had to bat my eyelashes to be the best at what I do? I know some would think that goes against everything I've believed in for last few years regarding Josh's memory. Maybe I'm partial to it. But I never saw it that way. I've never had actual feelings or urges. There was nothing I'd ever act upon. It would never go past a few giggles at bad jokes for work.

That was as sexual as I've been in the last few years. Besides an occasional wine and porn night. But that's not important.

Everything seems to have shifted now. There wasn't anything that didn't remind me of sex. Whether it be a couple making out on the street, or a zucchini looking at me the wrong way at the grocery store.

The bottom line was: I wanted it. Badly. And I hated myself for it. At the rate I was going of sexualizing vegetables, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to go without being pounded into someone's headboard.

Leo and his stupid self ruined me. And now, I also hated him for it. I was perfectly content before Damon's holiday party. In fact, I was barely tempted. I could have lived the rest of my life without sex. In these later years, I told myself I had enough of it between the ages of sixteen and twenty seven for the rest of my life.

But then, confident, charming, British Leo Wells had to have me pinned against that doorway and attempt to kiss me twice. Clearing the cob webs I had down there. Mistletoe or not, it was simply unacceptable.

There were a lot of things that surprised me about him. When I was set up with Leo a few months ago at that crowded bar, I don't think I could have liked him less. But now, time after time, he's proven to be pretty decent. From getting me away from Alec James to saving Penny's ass, all the way to his kindness that night in my hotel room.

It's not that I needed to do it with Leo. If I was going to do this, I wanted it to be with someone worth it so I didn't feel the need to drown myself in my transgressions. A man who was going to fuck me once and then never speak to me again wasn't the best idea.

Or maybe it was.

Perhaps that's exactly what I needed to get out of this rut. Someone who didn't mean anything to me. Someone to give me what I needed physically and that's it. No emotions. No feeling bad that I'm caring for someone other than Josh. No strings attached.

I settled that this was the way to go. There was no way to let myself care or love anyone other than Josh. 

Now, that would be unforgivable.
    
I sat on my beautiful window bench looking over Central Park as I read through some new revisions for a chick lit book we were working on. Suddenly, I was more intrigued in this fictional woman's sex life than I've ever been in any of my friends in the last few years. Reading of her casual relations with all sorts of men was inspiring me, in a weird way. Each page I read, the more enticed I was by the idea of meaningless sex.