Lovin' Harlem

Ch. 12

Ch. 12

Nicki's POV

                The entire time I held Harlem in my arms I prayed Nicolas knew how much I missed him. No matter how much Harlem looked up to me, her love wasn't Nicolas's. The sparkle was there but her eyes didn't hold the same glimmer as Nicolas's. I didn't compare them in any way but every once in a while I held her and imagined it was Nicolas. But I couldn't help it, I missed him so much. I couldn't push his perfect smile and dark brown curly hair out of my memories. Even though he hated when I played in his hair, I used to use him for practice. He always complained but it was our thing. Nicolas was my first true love and I owed my life to him. Nicolas changed my life the day I gave birth to him and he took my soul with him when he died. It felt physically impossible to miss someone as bad as I missed Nicolas and his goofy personality.

                                "Titi? Don't cry Titi. I saw Nic. He said he doesn't want his mommy cry to no more. He wants you to be happy cause he loves you. And he misses you too," Harlem didn't know what she was doing to me by saying that. A river of emotions poured out so quickly all I could do was cry. My heart was too heavy to take a steady breath. Harlem pulled my head in her small hands and kissed my cheek softly but the moment she wrapped her arms around me, the only face I could see was Nicolas's. I could feel his small arms squeezing me tightly just like he did the last time I saw him alive. His laughter filled my ears and made it so hard to breathe I begged God to let me pass out. I wanted his arms to be wrapped around me forever.

                                "Where's mommy?" Harlem asked quietly. I was hoping she wouldn't ask about Eva. What was I supposed to tell her? I didn't want to lie to her but I didn't want to tell her the truth...

                                "She uh...Harlem um..." I shot a glance at Terrell but he panicked too. Harlem's head bowed sadly and her shoulders were slouched.

                                "She's not coming back cause I made her mad, huh? I didn't mean to Titi, I promise." Harlem said as she wrapped her arms around my neck. My hands automatically pulled her closer.

                                "Why was she mad?" Terrell's voice was almost too quiet to hear.

                                "Cause...I t-thought it was sugar and...he got mad and...he hit mommy again but then I was 'fraid cause it was dark and she was screamin'," Harlem's body shook with fear as I rubbed her cheek. It was the fastest way to calm her down. When Terrell started pacing back and forth, I knew he wasn't gon have the guts to handle Junior. I could see the fear and anxiety mixed with anger and rage but I could tell he was more so afraid.

                I didn't say a word until we were parked behind Terrell's car. It was dark and there were almost an ungodly amount of stars in the sky. The wind blew a cold chill down my spine as it crept in thru the cracked window. I reached for my wallet with Nicolas on my mind. Junior took him from me. My son. My one and only baby boy, Junior let that happen. The picture of Nicolas on his favorite swing set brought tears to my eyes. It was a Christmas present from papa. How he got it sent to him from prison wasn't clear to me but it didn't matter. All Nicolas ever wanted to do was swing with his shirt off and hair blowing in the wind. I wiped my tears and glanced at Terrell but he was already looking at me.

                                "Terrell..." I took a breath. "Give me your gun. Please." I asked. When he hesitated, I knew how to get what I wanted. I pulled him closer and kissed him passionately. Terrell was a sucker for lip biting so I used it to my advantage and did an internal victory dance when he handed over the 9mm. My eyes traced over every detail of the gun, it was a little heavier than I thought it would be. I hopped out of the car and made my way over to the trunk of Terrell's car. The second I saw Junior I wanted to kill him. All I could see was the person who let a toddler drown under the same roof he laid his head. I still can't step foot in Eva and Junior's house and it's been over a year. I snatched the gag from his mouth and couldn't help but die a little inside. No matter what I did to Junior, Nicolas was never coming back and that brought a new level of anger from the pit of my stomach.