The Butterfly effect

Swords and punches

"Please, God, please, let this night happen without problems, only this night..."

I don't think Chuck had much credit with the Lord, after all.

-Nate, i was hoping to see you, i wanted to apologize, put the past behind...

-You don't get to say what goes on here.

As Chuck watched the two young men exchange angry words, Blair was worried about her dress. God, why was everyone around her so incompetent? But, as the saying goes, if you want things done right, you have to do it yourself...

She looked at Chuck. God, he was so handsome. It was almost painful to make herself look away when he looked so damn well. Her body was a traitor, always leaning towards him, like two magnets destined to seek each other desperately even when they're being held apart. And her mind beat against him desperately, but her body, ah, her body was another story. Her body felt more like her body when it was being held against his, somehow. She may not be an expert on the subject, but he was her perfect fit. Every detail felt like designed only for her. And damn anyone who came before, or - as unfortunate as that would be- would come after her. She may not have any right to do it, but she wanted to put a flag on his body with her name on it, so that if anyone ever came to claim it they would see it was already claimed. It brought her comfort, somehow. Others may come, but let her stamp remain. That was everlasting.

Maybe it was destiny that they should be held apart. But, good God, why? Everything in Blair's life always seemed so complicated. Why couldn't this one thing be simple? Why couldn't she just own it, admit it, say "yes, i wanted you to accompany me to Cotillion, i wanted it all along, long before even Prince Theodore asked me. I want to walk down Central Park holding onto your arm, kiss you fiery in the rain, and let all the gossipers see it. Fuck what they care. Because it's quiet and lovely here, with you, in a way i couldn't ever explain. To me, we aren't an absurd juxtaposition. We are Chuck and Blair, and that's enough. It just is, and that's the closest to simplicity i've come to find in this crazy world."

She had to snap out of her thoughts when they called her name.

If felt like an out-of-body experience. It was like all of her was numb, and she was seeing herself from a distance. All the rush in the room wasn't loud enough to keep her mind focused while she was introduced. She dreamed about this moment most of her life, and now that it was finally here, she couldn't feel like belonging. Nate by her side, what was he even doing here? Smiling at her, being the perfect boy she always wanted him to be. Everything was twisted, rotten bones under cool flesh. A perfectly shaped apple, red as blood, venomous deceit. Maybe that's why she grew so fond of Chuck: he never hid the danger. He was a complete dose of cyanuret. He extended it to her, his daring eyes boring into her soul. "Take it, if you dare. Life is a mortal poison, and it's only when you accept this that you truly start living. Dare it and i'll show you"

Who knew poison could taste so sweet?

It was addictive, and she needed more. She couldn't pretend like she didn't want it any longer. It was dangerous, yes. Maybe she should've known better than to get involved. After all the heartbreak she had been through with Nate, she should've known better. But so what if it killed her? At least she'd know she was alive.

Maybe she'd take the dose, after all.

After everyone was introduced (including Serena's scandalous card), every pair was escorted to the dance hall. Blair was floating in her princess-like dress, feeling less princess than ever. Chuck's eyes wandered through the room, to her, to Nate, her in Nate's arms. Maybe if he closed his eyes he could pretend that the girl beside him was actually Blair, small and pretty and careless holding his arm, laughing at something only the two of them would know. They'd own the dance, like they should, spinning and laughing because life felt almost easy when they were like this. Chuck couldn't deceive himself. He never thought life would be easy, never, because he had accepted a long time ago that life could never bring him joy. Maybe he could bring himself joy, or pretend like he could, ordering everything in his life, commanding everything and everyone to do his will, taking what he wanted when he wanted it, whatever the cost may be.