The Butterfly effect

Never have I ever

Chuck stood on that empty hall for a while, still hearing in his head the click of her high heels as she left. He wouldn't go back inside, but he didn't want to leave either. He knew he'd go back to an empty  bed and a bitter feeling.

He knew he wasn't fooling anybody, except for Nate. He wasn't even fooling himself, at least not anymore. Maybe he had fooled himself for years, pretending he didn't miss the feeling he only came to know in the last few weeks, with Blair. Pretending he didn't want to be close to her for a while now. Pretending like she wasn't his soft spot ever since they were children. He had no denials by now. They broke down a lot, but when they were alone in their bedrooms it was always so simple.

But he felt fooled anyway. Chuck might be feeling guilty, but his pride beats him to it every time. Who was she trying to fool?  Deep down, he never wanted them to be a secret. It would cause problems with Nathaniel, but he had faith that it would all pass. Deep down, he always cheered with the thought that she would own it and say, yes, I'm with Chuck, may I go with him to the ball? Yes, I'm with Chuck, why would that be a problem? And now she talks like she left him any choice. Like she ever gave him any acknowledgment at all that he would be a person she would proudly assume to the world. She talks about being alone now, like she didn't always expect him to be there to pick up the pieces. She talks about wanting him now, like he didn't know all along that it would be a shame to be seen with him. Wasn't he a lower level from her perfect standards all along? And so she tells him she hates him and that she needs time.

His face was hurting, but he barely felt it any longer. He heard footsteps behind him, but he wasn't worried.

-Where did Blair go, Chuck? What the fuck is going on? - Nate breathes behind him, moving slowly with a hand on his stomach.

You know what? Fuck it.

-She went home, Nathaniel, and I guess she won't be wanting to see any of us anytime soon, and none of us will have the pleasure to share her bed.  - He didn't even turn to look at the tortured face behind him.

-I could swear it was Carter. But well, I guess that... wait, what? Did you say...

-Yes, Nathaniel. - he turned to look at his friend now, and he was exactly on point, the point he knew so very well where he could destroy everything and everyone around him with his numbness. He was never one to leave a bruise by itself. - It was me. It was me all along. Are you satisfied now?

Nate searched his best friends' face in horror.

-Why would you do such a thing? Aren't you my friend?

Chuck let out a laughter.

-Yes, I am your friend Nathaniel. I've been your friend all these years, seeing you mistreat Blair and put her aside and do whatever you wanted with her feelings. And you know what? Maybe I'm not any better, but at least I have the courage to face it. Maybe we're friends exactly because we're two pieces of shit, but I can own up to it.

Nate felt like he was being punched endlessly.

-No! Friends don't do that. Friends don't sleep with their friend's girlfriend and lie about it, to the point where it ends with a public fight and a scandal!

-Oh please, if you had at least 2 brain cells still working on that head of yours you would have been able to realize you never felt for Blair what I feel for her. - He turns, but changes his mind a few steps later to look at Nate again, pointing an accusatory finger at him. - And you guys aren't dating anymore! For a while now! So cut the bullshit, will you?

-Like it matters! She's still mine! - Nate said, without even realizing what he was saying.

-Yours? - Chuck forced a laughter, which was almost scary to watch. - Don't you realize it? She's not yours! She has never been! And I may wish she was mine but I know very well she isn't. In fact, I may be only now realizing she will never be from anyone. She's Blair, Nathaniel. She's a force of nature all on her own, and look at the mess she's left behind. - He pointed his finger at the two of them, screaming at each other on that big hall.