What You're Not | ✔

29. Different

"I feel like I'm overdressed."

Nikki wasn't even listening to me anymore as she and Jackie had a shouting match about whose turn it was to do the dishes. 

Miles and I had finished painting the wall two hours before. The pastel blue stars popped against the deep blue background. It didn't come out as well as the pattern on his shirt, but it was still nice. And different.

As soon as he left, I went through every item of clothing to find something to wear when I meet him at The Oak later. 

There were a lot of things that had changed since my mom and I moved. The biggest difference being that I was currently obsessing over whether or not a boy would like my outfit or think I was trying to hard.

I stood in the bathroom examining my outfit in the mirror as Nikki and I talked over video chat.

My outfit consisted of the re-designed black dress I wore to Victoria's party. When I tried to return the dress to Chelsea she insisted that I keep it. So I took Betsy and some scissors and worked my magic.

The dress looked entirely different after I removed the sleeves and turned it into a two piece, a thin line of my midriff peaking through. I paired it with an oversized, black cardigan to make the look more casual.

"The dress is cute, Lo." My cousin was back to focusing on me. "I still can't believe you womaned up and asked him out on a date."

The thought of going on a date with Miles was a happy one. Too happy. My stomach felt like it was twisting into knots. I was getting a head of myself.

"It's not a date," I said, more to myself than to Nikki. "We're just hanging out. As friends."

My stomach still wasn't convinced.

"Mhm, sure. Keep lying to yourself," she laughed. "I don't get why you're cock-blocking yourself anyway. Miles seems cool."

"Because dating him means I'll have to open up to him about stuff," I told her as I began to pin my hair back on one side with bobby pins, letting the rest of my curls to fall freely on the other. "Stuff I don't want open up about."

"The fact that you're even thinking about it without crying is proof that you're doing way better than you were a few months ago," she pointed out. "You need to give yourself more credit. I think you are emotionally ready move forward with your life. You just need to stop being a punk."

I took a break from doing my hair to glare at her through the phone. "I'm not a punk. But after the way Tasha and everyone acted after the accident, I just don't want a repeat."

"They just wanted someone to blame," Nikki assured me. "It wasn't your fault and I'm sure all your new friends, and Miles, will understand that."

Maybe Nikki was right. Maybe I was just being a punk and making up excuses.

The truth was, I was terrified of fully opening up to Miles. "What if he doesn't? What if he blames me like everyone else?"

Miles was a friend, but so was Tasha and look how that turned out.

"If he doesn't then he's a dumbass for passing up on my amazing cousin." My eyes rolled at how cheesy she sounded, but a smile snuck onto my face. "Honestly, Lo, there's nothing worse than living with regret."

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The Oak had a more romantic vibe than I remembered. Maybe it was the decor of dark woods and deep purples and reds. Maybe it was the soft jazz music that played overhead.