What You're Not | ✔

43. Worth It

"No."

Mom's tone left no room for argument. She slammed that door shut and locked it. I wasn't going to any party, no matter how much I begged.

Why was I even surprised by her answer? Of course she wasn't going to let me go to Vivian's party. Especially not after she found out Miles had been sleeping on in my closet.

I kind of missed the version of her that handled me with caution. The her that didn't put me on punishment for missing curfew because she didn't want to push me back into hiding. That version of her probably would've let me go.

"Don't you have homework to do?" she asked when I didn't leave right away.

It was Saturday and with all the free time I had since everything for the fashion show was done and I wasn't allowed to speak to Miles, I didn't have anything to do.

My homework was finished, my room was clean, my laundry was washed and folded. I had run out of things to occupy my time.

Except, maybe, the one thing I promised Miles that I'd do. He held up his end. Yesterday he filled me in on the awkward, tension-filled dinner he had with his parents the night before.

From what he told me, it went surprisingly well. He's even been getting rides to and from school with his dad. Bonding moment, he called them.

I was happy that he worked things out with his family. Happier to know he wasn't sleeping in his car anymore.

If he could talk to his dad, I could talk to my mom. I wanted to talk to her and explain behavior for the last four years.

I wanted her to know why I pushed everyone away. Why I blamed myself for the accident and what really happened in the moments before.

Mom wasn't the type of person to judge others, especially not me. Still, the idea of telling her everything was pulling at my insides. I needed to do this, though.

"Actually," I started, lowering myself onto the sofa and tucking my legs beneath me. "Can we talk?"

She closed her book, setting it on the end table along with her reading glasses.  Her full attention was on me and that just made the horror show in my stomach worse. "About what?"

"About...Dad." I tried not to flinch at the words.

A glint of hope flashed in her eyes. She'd been trying to get me to talk for the longest time and it was finally happening. She was proud and it was written all over her face.

"Really?"

I nodded, picking the loose thread of my pajama shorts. "Yeah. Miles --"

"Miles?" Mom repeated, her brow raising.

I didn't know why she said his name like that, but it didn't sit right with me.

"He said I should talk to you," I continued.

Mom interrupted again, this time with a scoff. "I can't believe this."

She couldn't believe what? I wa finally doing the thing she'd been begging me to do and she was being weird about it.

"Are you so desperate to get to some party that you'd use your dad as a way to...to what? Get me change my mind?"

"No!"

"You can feel however you feel about your father," she said, staring me dead in the eye, any hint of the proud woman I saw before was gone. "But don't you ever use him in a scheme to see a boy."

That wasn't at all what I was doing. She seemed so sure I was that I didn't bother to defend myself. Instead I just mumbled an apology.

"You can to go back to your room now, Loren."

She didn't believe me and once she reached for her glasses and book, I knew the conversation was over.

+ + +

Just as I was about to doze off due to extreme boredom Mom came into my room.

"It's Victoria," she said, handing my phone to me. She'd taken it from me as punishment.

I thought she would leave after handing me the phone, instead she stayed. The expressionless look on her face meant I was to keep the call short and give the phone back.

I sat up and tried to rid my voice of any sleepiness. "Hello?"

"Loren," Victoria greeted cheerfully over what sounded like a party. I thought Vivian's party didn't start until nine? "I'm just checking in. Making sure you hadn't backed out of the competition. Did you get the package?"

"Yeah," I answered, watching Mom as she impatiently glanced down at her watch. "I sent in the entry form a couple days ago."

"Excellent!" she boomed, loud enough to make me flinch. "Between me and you, the other dresses I've seen are...dull. I'm rooting for you, Loren."

Right. No pressure. "Well, I hope it does you proud."

What the hell was I even saying? Between Victoria 's added pressure and Mom's piercing eyes, I was beginning to feel squished, my focus torn between the two.

"Well, I have to get back to this launch party," she told me as the music in the background grew louder.

Launch party? Why wasn't he wasn't at Vivian's birthday party? Mom gestured for me to wrap up the conversation. "I have to go."

"Right, of course," she said. "We're announcing the winners in a week. So, keep an eye out for that email."

With that she hung up. I handed the phone back to Mom and she left the room without a word, closing my door behind her.

I laid back onto the bed, watching the shadows creep across the wall as it got darker. At some point I must've fallen asleep because in a blink my room was suddenly pitch black.

According to the clock it was 8:43. Vivian's party was set to start soon and I was alone in my room trying to imagine what it would be like.

Did everyone wear fancy dresses and masks? Did the cake look like something straight out of Cake Boss? Was Vivian's face plastered on everything, like in her invite?

The thought of wiping my face with a napkin that had Vivian's face made me shudder.

Then my mind wandered to Miles.

Was he there? What was he wearing? Did he wear a mask or was he too cool for that? I wanted to see him.

I needed to see him.

I got up and opened my door a crack. The sound of a perfectly timed laugh track came from downstairs. That meant Mom had been sucked into her usual sit-com show vortex. She'd be watching those shows for hours.

Definitely long enough for me to sneak out and get back before she noticed.

She was already mad at me, though. Sneaking out would just make it worse. Then again, she was happy that I was acting like a normal teen. Sneaking out of the house was like a rite of passage.

I closed the door then leaned my back against it, chewing at my lower lip as I tried to make a decision. My eyes shifted from the silver slip dress that hung in my open closet and the window.

It'd only be an hour. Two tops. Just a quick pop in and pop out. She won't even notice that I left. Unless she came up to, I don't know, check on me or something. None of the risks seemed to outweigh the reward of seeing Miles.

Before I could talk myself out of it I quickly began to untwist my hair. The first day of a twist out was always the worst, but I didn't care.

Once I changed into the dress, grabbed a pair of heels to match and found my bus pass I climbed down the side of the house.

My heart pumped fast with adrenaline as I rushed down the dimly lit street to the bus stop. Maybe sneaking out to a party was crazy. Maybe I'd get caught and Mom would never trust me again. Maybe this party wouldn't be as amazing as I imagine it. 

None of that seemed to really matter as the distance grew between me and my house. Because maybe this would all be worth it.