Acquaintances

Chapter 36: Exclusivity

My eyes widen and I clasp my hand across my mouth immediately, stunned by my own actions. Holy fuck. I feel Matt go soft inside of me and pull out straight away. Fuck. What a turn off.
“Did you just…?” He chuckles. Wait, what? Why is he laughing?

I just shake my head, embarrassed. Why the fuck did I say Harry? Oh my God, this is mortifying.

“You said Harry.” He states, rolling off me and collapsing beside me on the mattress.

“No I didn’t.” I deny, fucking hell Lola you absolute twat.

“Yes you did!” He pokes my shoulder accusingly, still chuckling.

“No but, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry, I-“ I try to explain but I don’t have a fucking explanation because my brain is clearly dysfunctional. I glare at my subconscious who just shrugs innocently. Stupid cow.
“I think it’s hilarious.” He grins, I roll over to face him.
“What? You’re not mad?” I cough. How the fuck can he not be mad? This is horrible! I thought there was nothing worse than a girl saying another guys name during sex. Wha the fuck is wrong with this boy?

“We’re not in a relationship, you can think about whoever you want to.” He shrugs. His tone is soft and calming but the words themselves hit me like daggers. We’re not in a relationship. I know we’re not, I can’t be, and I don’t want to be, but why doesn’t he want to be? It’s so utterly pathetic to think this way but I can’t help but be offended.

“But I wasn’t thinking about him, I swear. I don’t think about him, ever.”
“Charlotte, I promise you don’t have to explain yourself. We’re not exclusive.” He says simply, effectively stabbing me in the heart. I know I can’t be in a relationship but it’s still so fucking painful to know he doesn’t want to be, or he would’ve asked.

“Why aren’t we?” I ask, boldly. Am I really in a position to be starting this conversation?
“That’s just not us. We don’t need to be official or exclusive or monogamous, we don’t need a label.” He shrugs. That’s so sneaky! “I love you, isn’t that enough?”

If I was a weaker person, I would accept this. Blame myself for even thinking that we needed more. But I know this speech, hell I’ve heard this speech recited by Gemma so many times when she recounted conversations between her and Ashton.

“You really expect me to buy that?”
“Buy what?” He looks at me curiously.

“That whole, we’re special, we don’t need to define what we are to anyone, we know what we have, bullshit. It’s fucking evasive and I did not have you pegged as that cowardly.”
“I’m not being cowardly.”

“Yes you are. You don’t want to be exclusive because you want to sleep with other people, when you’re on the road, and that’s fine. I don’t care but don’t try to spin it so that you feel less guilty. I don’t want to be exclusive either, I don’t want to be official but I’m not going to spin you some crap about how special you are to me and that you’re the one so I don’t need to be your ‘girlfriend’ to know what we mean to each other.” I say, I’m getting angry but he’s just so calm and relaxed about everything it’s fucking frustrating. How did me saying Harry’s name during sex end up with me mad at him and not the other way around?

“God you’re confusing.” He laughs. Stop laughing at me when I’m angry.

“No, you’re infuriating.” I pout.

“You’re pretty when you pout” He smirks, fuck me.

“You’re pretty annoying.” I glare at him, poking his chest.

“You’re pretty.” He smiles innocently. Damn him.

“You’re frustrating.” I grind my teeth, tracing the heart tattoo on his chest.