Keep Holding On

Part Eleven

One week later, I pulled up outside my house, not sure if I could go in or not. "Ronnie and Michael cleaned it up for you. So you won't need to do it." I nodded at Bri as she helped me out of the car and grabbed my bag. I heard a door slam and looked across the street. I saw Ronnie standing there, looking at me, almost pleasing with me to say something to him. But I didn't. I looked away and walked up the stairs and into the house.

"The doctor said you can't be left alone since you took all those pills, Sydney. I don't know what you were thinking." I didn't look at her.

"I was thinking that I and everyone around me would be better off if I wasn't here. That's what I was thinking. You have no idea what it's like. I can't sleep cause all I see is his face. I can't ever get clean, no matter how many showers I take, and I can't be around the only man I've ever loved because I can't stand the idea of even him touching me. So don't get high and mighty with me." I threw my jacket down and walked upstairs. I flung myself on my bed and cried. All I could smell was Ronnie and it was bittersweet. Comforting, but at the same time, it made me miserable.
********************************

I woke up screaming, reliving that night over and over. Brianna burst through the door and tried to comfort me, but I wouldn't let her near me. I sat on my bed, holding the pillow to my chest until the feeling of absolute fear, slowly went away. By the time that happened, I was wide awake.

I walked downstairs and saw my phone sitting on the table. I turned it on and waited. There were so many messages from Ronnie that popped up, I couldn't even count them.

Please talk to me
I love you so much
Syd, please
I need to see you

And so many more. I shut it off again and set it down. "You know. That man loves the hell out of you. Maybe if you let him back, the nightmare would go away like that did last time. Just let him be there for you, Syd. Just talk to him." I didn't say anything. I walked out the front door and sat on the swing, swinging myself slowly. Michael saw me and smiled. I smiled back.

He walked back into the house and in the next instant, Ronnie came outside. He just watched me, he would move closer, and then stop. Almost like he was testing me. He made it to the stairs before I stopped him.

"Syd, baby. I miss you." I didn't look at him. I wanted to run to him. To throw myself at him, to have him hold me and chase all the bad stuff away. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't even open my mouth to talk to him. "Please. Talk to me." I got up as a tear fell down my cheek.

"I can't." He looked down and shook his head. He turned around and walked away and he took my heart with me.

"Sydney. Go talk to him.". I was so sick of her telling me what to do, I lost it.

"You know if you want to talk to him so bad, then do it. I can't. I don't know why." I saw him turn around. "I want too, don't you think I want to? Do you have any idea how hard it is? Do you have any idea how much I want to run to him and be with him? I'm scared of my own fucking shadow, all I think about, is that night and how it was my fault for not leaving when he wanted me too." My head fell forward and my shoulders shook, violently.

The next thing I knew, Ronnie was in front of me, pulling me into his arms. I let him, I needed him to hold me. I wrapped my arms around him and clung to him, crying even harder.

"Shhhh, baby, it wasn't your fault." He kissed my head and I pulled away. He wouldn't let me go. "Please, Syd? I have to be with you, I have to be here for you. Please don't shut me out. I love you so much." He lifted his hand and gently ran his fingers across my cheek. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch, the moment I did, all I saw was Jason and I fought to get away from him.