Keep Holding On

Part Tweleve

"Syd!!!" Carrie screamed my name when she saw Ronnie and I walk into the bakery. She ran to me and hugged me tight. "How are you doing?" I looked at Ronnie as Carrie grabbed my hand and lead me to her office. He smiled and nodded as he let of of my other hand and let her drag me away.

"I'm alright I guess. Look, I needed to tell you that I'm sorry I did what I did." She waved me off like it was no big deal.

"Don't worry about it." She looked way and sat down.

"I do though. I know you were trying to help me and be there for me. You're an amazing friend and I pushed you all away. I just.... I thought I was doing the right thing. He had already hurt Michael, I brought this upon all of you and I felt horrible. I thought I was protecting you." She stood back up and walked around her desk.

"I understand. Ronnie explained it to me. I was upset, I thought you just didn't want me there. I'm glad to see you and him are still good." I smiled.

"I don't know about good. We're trying, I guess is a better way to put it. I don't know how he deals with me most of the time. One minute I don't want to leave his side and the next hate that he's touching me." I shook my head. "I was wondering if I could have my job back." She smiled and laughed.

"I didn't know you lost it. It's here whenever you're ready, but I don't think now is the right time. You need to figure this out with Ronnie. Maybe go to a support group, Syd." I nodded and hugged her.

"Thank you." I walked out and past Ronnie. He followed behind me.

"Baby, what's wrong?" I shook my head as I got in the car and slammed the door. We didnt say a word to each other on the way back to his house. We didn't even look at each other. He pulled into the driveway and I got out, walking hastily to the house. "Syd, would you tell me what's wrong?"

I turned on him and he stopped. "I don't know what's wrong. One minute all I want is my life back; you, my job. And the next minute, I want to run away and never see anyone again. I feel so lost all the time and I hate that feeling. I don't understand how you can even deal with me, let alone want me here. I don't know what to do with myself at all and I can't go back till I fix this." He stood there looking at me and folded his arms across his chest.

"I want you here because I love you, Syd. I don't 'deal' with you. I'm trying to help you, to be there for you, baby, but maybe I'm not enough." I knew it. I knew he was done right then. I had pushed him away to the point where, even though he loved me, it was too much. "You need to talk to someone. You need help that I can't give you. Maybe we need a break until you're sure I'm what you want." I shook my head and and walked upstairs. I walked into his room and grabbed the bag he packed and ran back downstairs. "Syd, I didn't say you had to leave." I looked at him through blurry eyes, the first tear falling down my cheek.

"It's fine, Ronnie. I knew it was just a matter of time before this happened. I'll just go home and do what I need to do. I won't bother you again." I started for the door but stopped and turned to him again. "I really do love you, Ronnie, so much." I turned and walked out and straight into my own hell.

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I still wasn't sleeping, the nightmares came back. The only time I didn't have them were when I was with Ronnie, but that wasn't an option anymore. I hadn't left the house in weeks, had barely eaten. I had no motivation to do anything. At least with Ronnie, I had a purpose, and now there was nothing.

I walked out onto my porch and sat on the swing, listening to the music coming from Ronnie's house, watching all the people coming and going. Wishing that I was there with him. We haven't spoken in a month, the longest month of my life. I was still very much in love with him and I had come to terms with the fact that he would never be mine again. Or I thought I did.

Just as I was going to go back inside, I saw his car pull up and park. He got out and walked to the other side and helped someone out. They stood there staring at each other before he leaned down and kissed her. I felt my heart shatter and I quickly walked back inside.

Already he had moved on and who could blame him really. What did I think would happen? I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and laid on the couch.

******************

I walked into the building and looked around, still not sure this is what I wanted to be doing. My doctor had recommended this support group and I found myself agreeing to go. I told myself I would go to one and see how it went, I needed to get better.

"Hi, dear." I smiled at an older lady as she offered her hand. "I'm Mary. And you are...?"

"Sydney." She nodded her head like she knew exactly who I was.

"Come in. We'll be getting started soon. Still waiting for a couple more people." I nodded and sat down, looking around there most have been about 8 woman there already, all who have gone through what I did or similar situations. I took a deep breath and told myself I could to this. I had to do this, for me.

"Alright," Mary sat down next to me." We can get started. Every one, this is Sydney. She's new to our group so we need to make her feel welcome. Sydney, do you want to tell us your story?"

I sat there and told them all of it, from beginning to the end. How I lost Ronnie and pushed my friends away. How I didn't have anyone anymore. How I felt it was all my fault. I found I couldn't stop talking.

"Sydney. It's very brave of you to come here and share this with us. I know how hard it can be to lose everything. Especially the man you love. But you being here, is the step in the right direction to get it all back. We have all learned to live with what happened to us. It was not your fault, by any means. You are the victim here, no one else. Not Ronnie, not your friends. You. It will take some time, but you'll be able to function again." I smiled at her and nodded, already feeling a little better. Maybe what my doctor said was true, maybe it really did help to talk about it. To hear someone else tell me it wasn't my fault.

I walked home thinking about everything she had said, everything the other girls had said and smiled for the first time in a long time. I could do this and I would do this for me. Not to get Ronnie back, not even for my job, just for me.

I turned to walk up the steps to my front door when I heard him call my name. I turned and watched as he jogged over, stopping in front of me. It was so hard to see him and now it seemed like I was going to have to talk to him too.

"How are you?" I just looked at him and sighed.

"I'm fine, Ronnie." I didn't say anything else and he nodded. He was going to say something when a woman walked out of his house and called his name. He looked at me guilty and I smiled. "You don't need my permission to move on, Ronnie. I understand." He shook his head.

"I just needed to make sure you're alright." He reached his hand up to touch my face and I backed away. I couldn't feel his touch, I had almost forgot what it felt like and I didn't want to remember. He dropped his hand and nodded.

"I'll always love you. I'm sorry this all happened, I'm sorry I'm not what you want anymore. I just wish you would have given me a little more time. I have to go." Before he could say a word, I had walked up the steps and into the house. I told myself I wouldn't cry over him anymore, but who was I kidding. I slid down the door and cried. I cried because I missed him more than anything. I cried for what could have been. And I cried because he had moved on and I was still hung up on him.