My Life

Impossible Love

You know sometimes you can't always have what you want. But you can wish and dream for it. Even if you know you can never have it.

   Impossible love. I love her. She loves him. She talks about him all the time. He's 'so amazing, so sweet, so this and so that.' He's everything to her. I don't matter anymore. Or did I ever?

  She's always been trying to get rid of me. She says it's for the best,but I tell her I'll never leave her. And no matter how much it hurts, I won't ever leave her.

  Then I start thinking about why she just didn't block me and start to think she cares. Maybe she cares a bit. But why does she never want to open up to me,but she does to him? We call each other sisters even though I feel much more. She doesn't need to know that though. But if we're sisters why can't she tell me?

   Now that I think about it, she hasn't called me sister in a long time. I think maybe her feelings changed. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Probably not the way I feel though.

    One minute she makes it seem like she loves me the other she is distant. She calls me cute,sweet,kind,perfect,beautiful, and amazing. She sends me hearts and tells me she loves how small and huggable I am. She gets my hopes up. Then she goes and texts back hours later,gives distant and short responses, and hangs out with me less. And then she goes and gets herself a boyfriend. She is confusing me.

     It's so funny how love can have different sides to it. Love can hurt and it can heal. It can make you happy and it can kill you. It's the most powerful thing in the world. And right now, my heart is hearting with a pain so intense it makes my eyes burn as they well up with tears.

    I never chose to love her. It just happened. Love is a mysterious thing. You can't avoid it,but whatever it makes happen is fate and I hope my fate is good.

     I can wait forever for her,but the longer I wait the more broken I get. Slowly, it will eventually kill me or at least make me go insane. More insane than I am right now in the beginning without her. But I know it will slowly get worse. I am numb right now. In shock. Disbelief.

Girls aren't supposed to like girls or even love them in the way I love her. I'm not a lesbian. I'm not bisexual. I'm pansexual. There is a difference. Pansexual is when you have feelings for someone because of who they are and gender doesn't matter. Some might say bisexual is the same but it's not. Bisexual is were someone likes both genders. I don't like both genders like that I just love her for who she is and have no other interest in girls at all. Big difference.

     My family and some friends wouldn't approve which is one of the reasons I knew it would never work unless it was kept secret. And many more reasons.

Like I said before, this is an impossible love. 💗