An Accident, A Decision, and Destiny (Revised)

Chapter 5

That night, as I lay in bed unable to sleep, all I could think about was my upcoming 'adventure.'

Curiosity, excitement, trepidation and fear all gnawed at me simultaneously in much the same way a double expresso did when I once made the mistake of drinking one right before bed.

As sleep wasn't coming anytime soon, I made a mental list of all the things I would need to do in preparation. I went over everything Aunt Jill had asked me to do and came up with an additional list of my own.

If I was going to do this, I wanted to learn everything I could and make it as successful as possible so that I could truly make an informed decision about how I wanted to live the rest of my life.

Tomorrow morning, I would ask mom if she had an old pair of heels, preferably nothing too high, that I could have to start practicing in. I hoped maybe she'd be inclined to give me some pointers on how to make my walk smooth and natural, so that I didn't look like a clumsy, clueless boy in heels stomping around all awkward like.

I also thought I should ask her if she would put together a small makeup kit so I could start practicing some of the techniques in the magazines she would be buying me and the videos I eagerly anticipated cousin Kelli sending me.

I figured the more I knew about walking, acting, and presenting myself as a girl, before I arrived, the better the whole experience would be. Not to mention it would show my aunt and cousin just how serious I was and maybe they would be more likely to take it serious too.

Eventually, once I had made my mental list of things to do, I was finally able to calm down a little.

As I lay there in the stillness and quiet of the night I wondered if I was even going to like this experiment and the biggest question; would I be able to convincingly pull it off.

After a while I began to think about the nagging feeling I was having, the same one I'd been having in the back of my mind, off and on for a while now.

There's this feeling, a distant thought that comes and goes; a feeling of awkwardness with my life.

I'd been having this feeling for years, long before I was ever presented with the possibility of living the rest of my life as a girl, so it didn't come from that. It was a niggling thought that had resided in the dark recesses of my mind for quite some time.

Was my body trying to correct itself with the changes I'd been experiencing and was this feeling my body's way of trying to correct my mind as well?

Should I really think seriously about becoming a girl permanently, like the Doctor said I could?

Well that's what this summer is about, finding out what life is like on the other side and if it's what I'd prefer. Maybe I'll find out over the summer that becoming a girl is something I just need to get used to; an inevitable, unavoidable outcome I'm supposed to accept, my destiny..... or maybe, I'll find the feminine life definitely isn't for me.

I began to wonder what my friends would think about all this. I mean, they're used to me as I am. They've never known me to be anything but a guy. How will they react if I do transition?

Will they still accept me as their friend, or will they feel awkward around me? I would hope they would be understanding and supportive, but you never really know. People can be cruel sometimes, especially when they don't know how to react to something they're not used to.

I guess I'll find out soon enough. The thought of losing my friends, or having them treat me differently, is kind of scary. It's funny, I've always considered myself to be pretty tough, but the thought of having to face them, as a girl, makes me feel quite of vulnerable.

There's still two more months of my sophomore year to get through first. Plenty of time to start preparing myself for the summer I've agreed to. Besides, even if I end up deciding to go with the testosterone treatments after this summer, it'll still be an experience that will benefit me in my male life, especially with the ability to understand girls in a way most guys never will.

Useful knowledge either way.

These thoughts replayed over and over in my head and I even imagined what my summer might be like. In most of those imagined scenes someone eventually recognized me as a boy, unsuccessfully trying to appear as a girl.

I sure hope it goes better in real life.

Eventually I was able to drift off to sleep, but not before wondering how I'd spend my junior and senior years; in jeans and tee-shirts or skirts and makeup?