An Accident, A Decision, and Destiny (Revised)

Chapter 1

When we returned to the doctor for the test results a week later, I found out the whole story.

We had to wait about ten minutes in an exam room before the doctor came in carrying a thick file with her. After greeting Mom and I, she sat down and started talking to Mom.

"It appears we have a rather unusually rare situation going on with your son. Of course his accident ten years ago is the cause of the most obvious issue here, as you well know. His body has not been able to produce male hormones to lead him through puberty and that has led to the new issue. You see, our bodies produce both testosterone and estrogen hormones in varying levels. Males produce much lower levels of estrogen than females and it is countered by the testosterone. For Carl, the level of estrogen in his body, however small, is beginning to trigger pubescent changes. Without the dominating effect of testosterone those changes aren't the ones we would expect or desire to see.

"The trace level of estrogen is triggering a low level female puberty. With the levels of estrogen being nowhere near as high as a girl going through puberty, it is taking much longer for any changes to manifest. Nevertheless, it's still causing a detectable widening of the hips, a small amount of fat redistribution to his buttocks and thighs, and now, the first sign of breast tissue development on his chest.

"Your son, Mrs. Allen, although at a much reduced, less obvious pace, is beginning to experience the same changes girls go through at puberty. His body is trying to mature into that of a teen-aged girl."

Mom's hand flew up, covering her mouth as she let out a shocked gasp.

I was blown away by what I was hearing.

No, no, no, this can't be happening.

Tears began to flow down my cheeks and I began to tremble. It was almost as if I could suddenly, physically feel my manhood began to shrivel and wither away between my legs.

My breathing became shallow and rapid. My head began to feel light as everything around me went blurry and the room began to spin.

Mom looked over at me with sadness and sympathy in her eyes but I didn't see it. I blacked out.

When I regained consciousness, I was lying on the exam table with a nurse and my mom standing over me. My eyes and nostrils were stinging and burning from the intense fumes coming from a small pouch the nurse was waving back and forth under my nose.

I quickly pulled my head away.

At the same time mom gasped, smiled and leaned over to embrace me.

"Good," the nurse exclaimed. "You're back. You'll be fine, sweetheart. You just got overwhelmed and passed out. Continue to lie down and stay calm. Try to drink some of the water your mom has for you."

The nurse threw the strong smelling ampule into the trash, said the doctor would be back soon, and left the room.

"Sweetie, you gave me a scare there. When the doctor said what she did, I looked at you and your eyes rolled back in your head before you passed out. You're lucky you were leaning against the bed, otherwise you could have cracked your skull on the floor."

"Mom was the doctor serious? Am I turning into a-a...."

I paused, finding myself unable to say it out loud.

At that moment the doctor returned.

"I see you're feeling better now. You can sit up if you want, otherwise it's okay for you to continue lying down."

She took his seat and I raised up.

"Now where were we, ah yes, courses of action. There are two, possibly three courses of action we could take in this situation. I can give my recommendations as to the best decision, but ultimately that will be up to you and your child."

Mom looked at me and dread settled over me again. Unable to look her in the eyes, I dropped my head.

"One," the doctor continued, "is to immediately put him on testosterone replacement therapy and wait for his body to possibly correct itself, with no guarantee he would ever fully develop and we know he'd be unable to father children. Or, we could instead begin supplementing the female hormones in his body to bring them to a normal level and give serious consideration to genital reconstruction surgery at a later date. Or third, and this may be the best option, simply allow nature to run it's course here, albeit slowly, but giving Carl plenty of time to choose his own path in life."

At this point, I was freaked out agsin. It was so bad I could feel my heartbeat in my ears and my head was throbbing so bad I felt I was about to pass out again.

I tried to calm myself down, and control my breathing. I took a sip of the water, closed my eyes and shut out the doctor.

I ignored what the doctor was saying as much as I could. At one point I heard mom's voice, so I opened my eyes.

Mom was asking something about my penis and intercourse and I couldn't handle it, so I tuned her out again.

She asked lot's of questions. I didn't even hear most of them, a million different thoughts swimming through my head. But one I did hear her ask, was about how long this would take before I was more of a girl than a boy.

The doctor told us she couldn't really say for sure but maybe three or four years without any additional female hormones and about twelve months with them.

I could take male hormones and have the breasts removed if I decided to live my life as a man, although not much could be done with the rest of me. He said I wouldn't ever grow as tall or be as muscular as I would have if I still had my testicles and will probably retain a more effeminate appearance.

Or, the doctor continued to explain, I could embrace what's happening to my body and 'transition,' as the doctor called it, to a life of a girl, leave my male self behind permenantly. The speed at which that occurs would depend on me and if I let it happen naturally or supplemented with female hormone pills or injections.

On the ride home, mom tried to get me to talk, to share with her my thoughts and feelings, but I refused. I couldn't bring myself to admit out loud, the thoughts I was starting to have, ashamed of the questions I wanted to ask.

Finally mom got the hint and just drove in silence.

When we got home, I went straight to my room and crawled into my bed. I curled up into a ball and cried, tears streaming down my face. I cried for what I'd lost, for what I'd never have. I cried for my confusion, for the fear and the shame. I cried for the future that had been taken away from me and for the person I thought I'd always be.