| District 9 | STRAY KIDS SHIPS

Families Are Bullshit// Changsung

Families Are Bullshit
Changsung (Changbin x Jisung)
Genre: angry angst
Status: together
Words: 1420

*part three of the Negative Aspects of Life series*

Families are bullshit.

I don't care what you tell me, I will forever and always believe the idea of family is complete and utter bullshit.

At first, I thought it was normal that my family were a bit 'tough' on me when I was younger, but as I grew and spoke to people around me, I realized that it was indeed not normal and not at all just my family. If you have to say 'It's just the way I show love' to someone who is obviously uncomfortable with whatever you're saying... You're probably a fucking dickhead who needs to reassess their ways of affection.

Now, not everyone is perfect. I understand that. But if someone says their uncomfortable with your ways of 'poking fun' and you proceed to get angry and turn it around on them or just proceed to increase your insults or 'playfulness' you're once again a complete dickhead who needs to reassess literally everything about yourself.

I don't know if it's just a family thing or not, but it seems as though family members think it's okay to make their blood, the people they're supposed to love and care for, feel like shit and it's absolutely awful. Showing your love isn't making someone feel like shit. Showing your love isn't kicking someone while they're down. Showing your love for someone isn't getting angry at them when they voice their opinions. Showing your love isn't slapping your younger sibling and proceeding to tell them they need you to survive. It just isn't. Period.

Growing up, my mom had been the worst person I knew. Just hearing her voice sometimes sent chills down my spine. She was supposed to be the person I looked up to, maybe even told everything to, but my mother slowly became someone I told myself not to be and hid things from. She was everything she told me not to be without even realizing it and in a way, that made me both very sad and very pissed off.

I don't get angry or sad often, I'm not really capable of it, but my family has a way of proving me wrong when I think I'm getting better and sends everything crashing back down. My mother was the best at proving this to me. When I thought I was finally pleasing her, making her happy and not thinking ill of me, but one comment would turn into two and two would turn into four, and so on, ultimately making myself feel something other than the emptiness that resided within me any other time of day. And I guess in a way, I was thankful for that.

I feel as though I have to stress the idea that my family are not bad people. They are just humans with poor morals and very closed minds. However, that doesn't excuse the two faced behaviour I was shown frequently by my siblings. Alone, one on one, my sister hadn't been that bad. In fact, she was one of the only people I could have a somewhat intelligent conversation with and at one time, one of the only I could talk to. But when my brother in law came into the picture something changed within her head and it's as if she didn't look at me like a brother anymore.

She became hostile around me when he or anyone else was around. Yes, I had been 'babied' when I was a kid, (Which really just meant that I wasn't beaten physically) but that didn't mean I didn't know how to take shit but she didn't seem to understand that by any form of her imagination. But when we were alone, she suddenly became the sister I thought she was supposed to be. And honestly? I didn't like that. Not one bit. So, I got my shit together and slowly faded away from her and only speaking to her when I needed to watch her dogs for money.

My brother became one of the only people I respected. He was always calm and showed me a certain love that the rest of the family didn't show. He made it obvious he was looking out for me in the most discreet way he could and I was thankful for that. However, I always wonder what it would have been like if he was sober for more than a fifth of our conversations, if he hadn't gotten addicted to the feeling of drugs, and if he had stayed the same easily angered kid I had known him to be growing up. It was nerve racking for me to think about because in a way, he kept me from doing something really stupid on more than one occasion.

My brother in law was a story on it's own. To put it lightly, everyone believed he was my favorite because I never yelled at him and I can confidently tell you that that was not the case and I hated him with every fiber of my being.

But as I said, my family were not bad people.

Even if they made me want to leave home and never look back since before I was in middle school.

My feet tapped against the floor beneath me nervously, nails clenched between my teeth. After nearly four years of not seeing my mother, I was finally meeting up with her as I had been back in town. I wasn't sure what was supposed to come out of this, but all I knew was that a conversation between us was long overdue. The bell to the cafe jingled and I swiveled my head to face the door, breath catching in my throat. My mother stood at the doorway, looking around until she caught my eye.

She had aged greatly, once partially gray hair now full and not an ounce of black in site. Her wrinkles were evident and the multiple health problems she had faced over the years had seemingly caught up with her. "Changbin..." I squeezed my eyes shut and a shiver ran down my spine. But I couldn't be rude and ignore her no matter how much I wanted to. I took a deep breath and stood up, trailing towards her to hook her arm into hers gently and guided us both back to the table I had been sat at originally. "It's been so long.."

"Yeah." We stared at each other awkwardly for a few moments, but I hated the judgemental eyes she held over me.

"So a boyfriend now, hm? What did we tell you?" Not even a hi or a congratulations on all of my hard work. "No answer? I hope you're happy with yourself Changbin. Running away before you could even think for yourself-"

"Ah but I was supposed to know what I wanted to be when I was older right?"

My mother stated at me blankly for a few moments, lips pulled into a tight purse. "We decided that for you. Just as every parent should." The tension was too thick for my liking but the more I studied my mother, the more I realized she was cracking. "What did I do to make you so unhappy, Changbin?" The question caught me so off guard, but I took it, processed it, and then fretted over an answer for all three seconds before my mouth started spewing shit without consulting my mind first.

"You forced me to do diets at age six mother. You pressured me into drinking alcohol and smoking when I was fourteen. You screamed and yelled and wanted me to tell you everything but if you didn't like it, I'd get in trouble. You never accepted me for who I was, mother, and I don't think you ever will." By my mother's lack of words, I realized that I was right. I wasn't the son she wanted me to be. "I'm happy now, mother. Alone."

I left her in the shop with an untouched cold coffee, not even giving her the chance to respond. I could feel the tears springing in my eyes but I managed to hold them back until I got back to the dorms and In Jisung's arms. It was as if he already knew what was going on the moment I stepped inside, immediately taking me into his arms and kissing away the salty tears on my cheeks and leaving behind a tingling feeling on my skin.

Families are bullshit.