The Curious Case of the Two Dirk Gentlys

24: Don't Call a Doctor (Call a Priest)

This chapter is dedicated to Jadzia-Dax. You can relax now.

The first thing that Ken noticed was that he wasn't dead. Well, that wasn't strictly true, the first thing he noticed was the pain, then he noticed that he wasn't dead. A million thoughts raced through his mind as time in slow motion. All he found himself asking was why? Why was he still alive? It couldn't simply be a mistake, Bart didn't make mistakes. Was it possible that the universe was siding with him? He didn't think he'd done anything to deserve its support. Then again he didn't think his actions were worthy of getting stabbed over either. He wasn't really sure what he deserved at this point.

"Well, I see you're coping very well without me." The voice of a dark figure came from the doorway. It echoed through his mind, both incredibly close and a million miles away all at once. He turned his heavy head towards it to find Mr Priest calmly approaching him.

"Priest? What are you-?"

"Relax, I forgot my coat and when I came back to get it everyone was running around like headless chickens. You know the idea of a lockdown is nobody can get in or out?" Priest smiled. Ken grumbled and layed back down. He was far too tired to care about his leadership being questioned. He was too tired to care about anything.

"I'm fine by the way." He groaned.

"I can tell." Priest chuckled.

"Just stop being a dick and call an ambulance."

"And get the authorities involved? You really know nothing about this place do you?" Priest walked straight past Ken and the phone towards a green box. He lifted it down and placed it down on the desk. Inside was an assortment of objects, few of which could actually be considered helpful. Priest layed out a selection items he thought he could get some use out of: a roll of bandages, a small pair of scissors, some dental floss, and a bottle of whiskey.

"What are you doing?" Asked Ken.

"Don't worry. You don't get a job tearing people apart without knowing how to put them back together." Priest sighed, handing over the full whiskey bottle.

"What the Hell do you expect me to do with this?" Ken scowled.

"Well firstly." Priest snatched the bottle out of his hand, undid the cap, and splashed the liquid onto Ken's wound. He grimaced but foumd himself unable and unwilling to argue. Considering how quickly he would bleed out if he was all alone he had no choice but to trust who ever was closest, even if that was an absolute psychopath.

"Now drink." Priest demanded, shoving the bottle back into his hand. Ken gladly complied.

"I can't believe this is happening." Ken groaned.

"Really?" Priest rolled his eyes as he hunted around the box in search of a needle. He eventually found it shining  under a box of flamingo plasters and a sachet of out of date Calpol. A good old fashion first aid kit for a good old fashion project. No wonder so many people died.

"I'm a good person. I stuck to my morals and I stuck to my promise and this is how the universe repays me?" Ken asked. He took a large swig of whiskey. It burnt like wildfire but felt like heaven.

"I'd probably forget about the universe for a few minutes and focus on the drinking." Priest unravelled a long length of floss, knowing the appropriate amount by instinct and experience. He cut it perfectly and began to carefully thread it through the needle.

"Why do I need to- Holy shit." Ken shouted as Priest placed him up right and pierced his sensitive skin with the silver needle.

"Less thinking, more drinking." Priest ordered as he started on the makeshift stitches. Ken grumbled and started to drink like a frat boy at a house party. "Well maybe not that fast. We don't want to add alcohol poisoning to the mix."

"How could she do this to me?" Ken cried.

"Marzanna? Well you did lock her inside what amounts to a metal box, Sir." Priest reminded him.

"Hey, she wanted to be here. It was a consensual locking." He snapped in his semi-delirious state.

"Do you want to know want I think?" Asked Priest.

"Do I really get a choice in the matter?" Ken grumbled.

"These freaks can never be reasoned with. You may think you have them for a while with your smiles and your promises but they will work against you like they work against all of us. Marzanna has been playing a game controlling you, Sir, and she's bored and loose. Just another disaster for Blackwing." Priest explained.

"Then what am I supposed to do huh? If I can't work with them the diplomatic way?" Asked Ken.

"In my experience they only listen when you're using force and will power, Sir." Said Priest.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning I'm going to patch you up and then we're going to get our shiny new jurisdiction. We're going to get Project Genome."