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20.| kaptivan

kaptivan
{haitian creole} 》captor

H a i l e e

It's been quite some times since I've hugged someone. I do hug my parents a lot but still, I haven't hugged a friend in awhile. The anxiety would get the best of me, but today all of these thoughts were thrown outside the window with a great force, the only thing I was focused on is Aries. How to make him feel better, how to show him that I care, that he is precious and not as guilty as he believes. The guilt he is carrying around is unnecessary, it weighs him down and if he choose to continue to carry it then I shall carry it with him.

I'm speaking from experience when I say, nobody should go through this type of pain alone. To feel like you're a burden, to feel like you're worthless.

"It's okay, Ari." I reassured him. He inhaled deeply before exhaling, which kind of tickled me, and then he pulled away.

His eyes were red stained yet no tears came out, he held them in. I think if he had broken down, I would have too. We would be both sitting alone in a quiet library weeping.

"Thank you." He whispered. I was still standing next to him and I was intending to leave but he grasped my hand.

"There is no need for you to thank me, you have done the same for me." I smiled softly as I rubbed my thumb over his hand.

I squeezed his hand one last time before going back to my seat. We stayed silent for a bit, taking what just happened in. The silence wasn't awkward as I excepted it to be. It was comforting.

"Gosh, I really don't want to attend the last class." I murmured as I laid my head on my crossed hands that were on the table.

"Same." Ari said. Before any other conversation could be uttered, the bell rang. I groaned as I got up.

Aries walked me to class before biding his goodbye. I waved at him and then entered the class. It seemed like I wasn't the only one who didn't want to be here. We all kind of hated Mrs. Vincent, her voice was the problem. It was so loud and high-pitched, it honestly hurt my ears. I sighed as she entered and I prepared to be tortured by her annoying voice and perky personality.

● ● ● ●

I was sitting on my desk, solving some math problems when I got bored. It was hard for me to solve math without music but I couldn't find my headphones anywhere and I wouldn't want to bother my sister with my "weird music taste". She had her own music on as she attempted to write her homework on her bed.

My boredom soon faded as I got an incredible itch to write. I felt like I needed to write something but I wasn't quite sure what to write. Words flowing around in my brain like a flock of untamed birds. I held my pencil and opened my journal waiting for the words to write themselves.

It has been quite some time since I have written anything that held a meaning, that a held a story. I felt so uninspired, drained. I forced myself to read, write, do anything just to get out of this phase but nothing worked...until now.

I had the urge to do everything all at once, to read, write, cook something new, discover a place and take pictures. I felt like I was finally out of a cage.

It dawned on me that I felt free because I let some steam off by talking to Aries, by letting my emotions out, by speaking freely with no restrictions. It felt pretty good. It almost felt like I was drowning and suddenly I could breath again. It felt like I was so thirsty and then I was finally not. It felt so good and I wanted to feel like this all the time. I wanted to feel free.

I think freedom means different things to different people. I always thought that freedom meant that I wasn't held captive somewhere but today my perspective changed. Today freedom means that I wasn't held back by my anxiety, that I wasn't holding my thoughts and emotions in, that I could speak, write and do whatever I want without feeling like I was being judged for it. And I wanted to feel like that forever. But I couldn't rely on Ari to always be my therapy, I couldn't rely on him being my hero. It wasn't because I didn't trust him or didn't believe that he was here for me because he is, he always has and perhaps always will, but I need to provide myself with that freedom. I need to get there on my own, I have to be my own hero in case I don't have him anymore, in case I leave.

I have to be my own savior just like I was my own captor.

And that is what I wrote down.

Sorry guys for the short chapter :( it's a filler and I had nothing else to write and I didn't want to make it longer just for the sake of making it longer, you know?

Hope you enjoy it anyway.

Thank you for understanding.