Home Is Overrated | ✓

21.|i frikësuar

i frikësuar
{Albanian} 》afraid

H a i l e e

      I found myself in a small garden behind my apartment compound on a Friday afternoon. We were just dismissed from school and I didn't want to head back to the house. The weather was too nice to get cooped in a small apartment. Two sets of swings were here, empty and clean so I sat on one as I waited for Aries to park his car.

He insisted on driving me home. Although I like the walk back, I agreed to go with because I would never decline an offer to sit in his beautiful Audi. Also, subconsciously, I just wanted to spend more time with Ari.

I squealed loudly when the swing squeaked as Ari sat down. It frightened me.

"You scared me." I mumbled as I put a hand on my chest.

"You get scared way too easy." He chuckled and I glared playfully. It is true, I do get scared easily because most of the time I'm too wrapped up in my thoughts to notice my surroundings.

We swung silently at a similar pace. Our thoughts running ahead of us, too fast to really acknowledge them. The harsh crisp air pierced my skin but I welcomed the feeling. I always loved the fall and winter air, it felt cleansing to the lungs and my soul.

I turned my gaze to catch a glimpse of Aries. His brown hair was blown back by the wind, his eyes were focused on his legs as he swung them up and down. He had a frown on his face, I could tell he was thinking hard about something. He was beautiful, in every sense of the word, spiritually, psychically, mentally, in every thing. His eyes held secrets to the universe, his touch would cause the big bang on my skin. Everything about him lured me in like a black hole sucking in a planet. His hair is so dark it almost blended with night sky and held the stars in it. I was fascinated by him. He is the stars that I can't fathom into constellations. He is a new body of mass in space that scientists were yet to discover. He is everything.

And here is where the scary part is. He became such an important person in my life without even knowing it, without even planning to. It was inevitable to fall for him. His gravity was too much for me to be able to get away.

I glanced away as anxiety flooded into my chest. I was afraid. From him, my feelings and everything in between. Fear coursed through my veins. I had to control myself. I have to stop these feelings from evolving. I need to get away from him. What if I can't do that? What if I have to leave after a few weeks? Does he even care about me? Oh my gosh, I embarrass myself in front of him all the time. Maybe I'm annoying him. What if I'm bothering him?

My breathing became shallow as I predicted an attack coming. My heart raced in my chest and my stomach flipped. I felt light headed and about to puke everything I had for lunch.

I hadn't realised that I stopped swinging until Ari knelt in front of me with a concerned expression.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asked. His right hand on my knee rubbing it softly with his thumb which caused my breathing to hitch.

"Um...y-yeah, I'm okay." I said breathlessly.

"Are you sure?" He asked again as his held my head between his hands. I nodded and smiled a little at him. I felt my anxiety going down as I stared at his brown eyes.

"Don't think, I don't notice the panic attacks you get. Are you sure there is nothing going on? Nothing I could do to help?" He continued to rub his thumb over my knee. I looked at his hand then back at him. I felt defeated that he managed to read me like an open book again. I felt defeated because I let his touch control me.

"I think I have anxiety." I whispered.

"You think?! You can't joke around mental illness." He furrowed his eyebrows.

"I know, and I'm not joking. I self-diagnosed it. I never went to an actual doctor but I had all the symptoms." I said.

"Besides how we do you explain all the panic and anxiety attacks that I get?! How would you explain what's going on in my head?!" I felt defensive. I felt defensive over the fact that he may not take me or my illness seriously because I self-diagnosed it, but I know Aries wouldn't judge me or at least I hoped so.

"Hey, calm down. I'm not trying to offend you." He smiled reassuringly as he kept rubbing my knee. "I believe you." I relaxed as he said the last sentence. He believed me. I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders.

"I've been dealing with it for a few years but I can't afford an actual doctor." I looked down at his hand again. The topic of money has always been a sensitive subject for me. Weirdly enough, I always found myself with the high class crowd, like Ana for example, she is definitely richer than me, so it always felt like I was less than them, it always felt they were attacking me when they talked about money. I know most of them were unintentional but when they start talking about designer clothes, new iPhones and whatnot, I felt less. I felt like I was messing something. Eventually, that feeling subdued but it has never really gone away.

"I can't know how you really feel but I'm willing to help in any shape or form I can." He smiled at me. His eyes sparkled with sincerity and honesty.

"You already are." I whispered back. I smiled at him. All my previous worries and thoughts were gone as I stared at him again. He was like a drug that made me forget all about me and my troubles. The only thing that mattered was him, his eyes, face, smile. His lips. I have never had such an urge to kiss someone. His lips were pink and full, they were teasing me, begging me to lean in and just kiss him. But as reality came crawling in, I shook the thought out of my head and leaned back on the swing.

"Thank you for listening to me." I said as he started to stand up.

"Thank you for opening up to me." He smiled back as he dusted off his jeans.

At this moment, I knew I could never really let him go. Even if I travelled for miles and miles, he will always invade my thoughts. Hopefully, it won't come to this.