What You're Not | ✔

40. Sleep Over (1)

"Hypocrite."

That was Nikki's response after I filled her in on what happened with Miles. I stopped typing up my essay for English to give her a look that she couldn't see over the phone.

"I am not," I defended. "How am I a hypocrite?"

"Don't play dumb, Lo," she said. "You want him to confide in you when you're not willing to do the same."

I scoffed at the accusation. "I have no problem telling him things."

"So, he knows about the accident?"

I remained silent.

"That's what I thought."

"Why does it matter if I tell him or not?"

"Remember what happened a couple summers ago?"

I grimaced at the memory. Mom thought spending the summer with Nikki would help break me out of my mood. Much to my surprise it actually worked.

For about two weeks that summer I was happy. I went out, I laughed, I enjoyed myself. Until I was almost mowed down by a student driver who jumped the curb trying not to hit a cat.

I spent the rest of that summer in the confines of my cousin's room, convinced that I wasn't meant to be happy.

I understood where she was coming from. She was worried that my secret was like another car about to jump the curb, scaring me back into hiding.

That time was different though. My desire to run and hide from the world had lessened since moving to Westbrook.

I've dealt with ex-boyfriends, ex-best friends, my mom getting in a wreck, even Vivian-freaking-Hernandez and I'm still standing. Still willing to wake up every morning and face whatever drama was lined up for me. Because the reward was greater than the risk.

That didn't mean I was willing to intentionally risk my new life by indulging a small detail of my old life that I'd rather keep buried.

"It's not the same," I assured her. "I'm not as fragile as I was back then. I think Miles's optimism is rubbing off on me."

"See," she exhaled. "That's what I'm worried about."

"You're worried that my boyfriend makes me happy?"

"No. I'm worried that he's the only reason you're happy."

I picked the phone up, switched it off of speaker and pressed it to my ear. "What do you mean by that?"

She took a beat before responding. "If you're still not willing to talk about what happened then it still holds power over you."

I don't know where this insightful side of Nikki came from, but I didn't like it.

"What happens if Miles finds out about it?" She continued over my silence. "What if you two break up and you have nothing distracting you from your real issues?"

This entire conversation had started to irk me. Where did she get off giving me relationship advice?

"Where is all of this coming from?" There was a slight edge in my voice that I didn't intend on adding. "Weren't you the one pushing me to go out with him. Telling me not to over think and to just go with it?"

"Yes, but I thought you would open up and talk about what happened," she said.

"Why?" I cried, leaning back in my desk chair and staring up at the ceiling. "That's not going to change anything that happened that night."