hands ⟶ namjin

dreiundfünfzig

two chapters in one day holy shit also im sorry if I piss you all off in this chapter ah this is ur fault lyra

jin rubbed his eyes and opened his laptop up again. whenever he felt like namjoon was about to wake up he'd shut it to make sure he didn't question why jin was awake so late. the truth was, when he slept he remembered things he didn't want to remember. he remembered his friend's face in his last moments alive. it was the last thing jin saw before the crash. it was his main reason to remember it.

'he died because of me'

'it's my fault'

'it should've been me, not him'

jin's mind was filled with discomforting thoughts, but he kept telling himself that everything was true. so instead of seeing that horrific moment again, jin would stay up late and do things to keep his mind away from it. he would watch whole seasons of netflix series every night, and namjoon had no idea he was doing it (for the most part anyway).

just as jin started season six of friends namjoon sat up.

"why are you awake..?" he asked, the tiredness evident in his voice.

"uh.. I couldn't sleep.." jin mumbled.

"how long have you been awake for?"

"only a few minutes." jin lied. namjoon yawned and laid back down.

he pressed play again, sipping a caprisun as he made sure his earphone was in his ear correctly. for some reason the series calmed him, seeing the lives of these fictional people. he just wished his life was this exciting, and wasn't now taken over by the trauma he had experienced.

the older decided he would try and get some sleep, for namjoon, so he cuddled into his boyfriend and shut his eyes. to say he was petrified of sleep at the moment would be an understatement. he didn't want to see that again. he didn't want to see the crash again. 

he remembered hearing the doctor say that the other person involved in the crash hadn't made it. he remembered breaking down, minutes before namjoon came in to see him. he felt too scared to tell namjoon that he knew the other person. he wasn't sure why though, maybe he thought that namjoon would see him as a killer, because of course jin was the reason ⎯⎯ who else would be at fault?

suddenly the memories stopped replaying in his head as he thought of namjoon. he thought of namjoon's smile with his perfect teeth, his beautiful lips and his dimples. he heard namjoon's voice in his head. it kept saying the same thing, over and over - "I love you".

of course, soon enough, namjoon's voice left his head and was replaced by the same picture of his friend in his head. the moments he never wanted to remember again. the moments that reminded him;

jin killed park jimin.