Short, Sweet, Simple

It's okay not to be okay

Trigger Warning
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I've heard many people say that eyes are the portal to the soul. What if the eyes you look through aren't your own? When you look in the mirror the eyes reflecting back are not yours? This would indicate to most as its not truly themselves they see. However, that is not the case. It is me that I see in the mirror. It is the me that I have become. A monster, truly. A creature that blends in and is absorbed into the grayness of life.

I am a liar. "I am ok." That's my favorite lie. Its one everyone has told. Nothing is ever "ok". I am never ok. There is always words pounding in my mind. Useless. Worthless. Hideous. Disgraceful. Failure. Fake. All a synonym for "ok". Those two simple letters could mean anything, yet when told them they just mean ok.

My friend was always "ok". Until she was found, hanging from the ceiling. Her lifeless body swinging. She was ok. Years of being taunted and called names. Years of being thrown down and stepped on. All of those years and years, she bottled up. Now, she's gone.

I think back to all of times she was "ok". All the times I could tell she wasn't. Every time I could see her putting on a fake smile. Why? For me? For someone else? No matter the reason, she still smiled. She still went through life smiling.

I wonder how many times she looked in the mirror and saw what she had made of herself. I wonder if she saw what everyone else made her out to be. I wonder if she saw the real her. If she saw what others choose not to. She was the sad and lonely in a world filled with people. She was all alone. She was ok.