Best Quotes EVER!

1. Phil and Claire Dunphy

Haley: Okay, mom just doesn't trust me and it's not fair.

Phil: She trusts you, it's just the weird stuff that happens at concerts. Boys get urges.

Haley: Eww! Dad, is there something you want?

Phil: Yes, there is, to connect with this girl right here. Now come on, pretend I'm not your dad. We're just a couple of friends kickin' it in a juice bar.

Haley: What's a juice bar?

Phil: Okay a malt shop, whatever.

Haley: Dad, I don't...

Phil: No, who's dad, who's dad? I'm Marcus, from Biology. Hey Haley! How's it going with you and Dylan? Does he try anything inappropriate with you, girl?

Haley [answering her phone]: Hey. I don't know, nothing, just talking to some dork I met in a malt shop

Phil: My wife is always so tired and she's always making lists of things for me to do.

Claire: Maybe if you did them she wouldn't be so tired.

Phil: Oh no, she could make lists for days.

Phil: Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. Then, I met your mom.

Claire: Women in their 30s on the internet are like ninjas. They get in their little, black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.

Phil: The iPad comes out on my actual birthday. It's like Steve Jobs and God got together to say, "we love you, Phil."

Phil: I'm really sorry for not underestimating Luke enough.

Claire: Well that means a lot to me.

Phil: I was 11 years old. I hit ten straight fastballs in the batting cage, then my friend Jeff Sweeney took one in the groin. I yelled "ball two!" Everybody laughed. That's when I knew I was funny.

Claire: Alex, honey, when you're out shopping, you might want to pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon. Mommy loves you, kitten!

Phil: We're like two peas in a pod, or Siamese twins, a snake with two heads!

Claire: They've actually been all those things for Halloween.

Phil: You're such a great mother. Sometimes I wish you were my mother.

Claire: Oh gosh. I'm already queasy.

Claire: I got pregnant with Haley.

Phil: My bad!

Phil: Put the 'he' in 'hero,' son.

Phil: Wow, this place has really changed. Time marches on, huh? See that Starbucks down there, you know what that used to be?

Luke: An orange grove?

Phil: No, a Burger King. You can still see some of the architecture.

Claire: Look at them- A minute ago they were babies, and now they're driving, and soon we'll all be dead.

Claire: Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them; they need to know who you wish you were, and try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short, but better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.

Phil: We're not going to play good cop/mom.

Claire: Don't take this the wrong way, but I have almost no faith in you.

Claire: Did you make the ladyfingers? Did you go to the gym?

Phil: Boy, you're really starting to sound like your old self.

Haley: Dad, that was a stop sign.

Phil: I'll stop twice on the way back.

Phil: With all you do for me, including going to the gym four times a week to keep me interested, I got this.

Claire: You can't have two fun parents... You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with a hundred-dollar bill? Two fun parents.

Phil: Sad face emoticon! I can feel the hurt through the phone!

Claire: Honey, look at how long it just took us to figure out she's insulting us.