❝Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night.❞
❝That would be you.❞
❝You're a smooth motherfucker, aren't you?❞
In which Nico desperately needs advice and finds a payphone, but he has nobody to call.
And then the payphone rings.
And Nico answers.
And ov...
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"Listen, babe. There's been a development in my situation, I've come to seek your guidance."
"May I guide your hand to hang up the phone?"
"You can guide my hand anywhere."
"..."
"Hello?"
"Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth."
"Ah, but you still can't resist my boyish charm. Today's intel is that the English teacher is married. How great is that?!"
"...to your ex?! Jeez, that was quick. People just can't keep their dirty dingdongs in their pants anymore."
"No, Chewie. Everyone's... dirty dingdongs are exactly where they need to be. He's married to his wife, whom he cheated on with my ex."
"He—? Oh. Oh. Yikes."
"Yikes indeed."
"I can practically hear the smirk on your face. Oh God... what are you scheming now, you butt-faced nimrod?"
"Butt-faced nimrod, huh? I didn't know we were on a first name basis."
"You're not going to tell his wife, are you?"
"Why wouldn't I? The pile of saggy dicks slept with my girlfriend!"
"Firstly, ew. And secondly, the problem here is the fact that your girlfriend wasn't faithful, not the fact that your teacher is the one she slept with. Don't ruin his life for something they're both equally at fault for. Besides, karma will get him eventually, I hear she's a real bitch."
"I hate you sometimes, Chewie, I really do."
"What did I do?"
"You were right. Again! I can't handle this losing streak. My manly pride is deteriorating. It's bad enough when Terry beats me in Mario Kart. Every damn time..."
"Give him my condolences for his unfortunate name. Goodnight, stranger."
"...it's Nico."
"What?"
"My name? The thing that gets assigned to you at birth that you have no say in whatsoever? The reason you're giving Terry your condolences?"
"Oh, right. Um... oh what the heck, it's not enough information for you to hunt me down and murder me if you're a serial killer. I'm Nessa."
"Goodnight, Nessa."
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ok but what if he actually was a serial killer lol plot twist
also I hate mario kart with a writhing passion, I lose EVERY time it's like the game has a personal vendetta against me :(
