Switched

Let's Talk About Feelings

Jacob and I were sitting on a park bench watching our friends play catch in the field. I told him about Zero's reaction upon learning that I spilt the beans. Jacob merely laughed, amused by this for some reason. "He got upset about it; that's hilarious." "Maybe for you. He's my roommate; we got to at least be civil to each other." "Why? It's not like you guys are friends or anything," Jacob's eyes peered up at the bright blue sky above us. "You're not friends, right?" He sought reassurance, just in case. I gazed down at my folded hands on my lap. I wanted to say yes, that we were friends, but........ "I don't want to get attached to you, and I don't want you to get attached to me. We were not meant to be close, to be friends." "No," my eyes narrowed softly. "No, I wouldn't call us friends. He said he desires my blood, that's all." "That's a good sign. I mean, there's no point in getting upset about that; I bet all vampires want your blood. But the fact that he's not looking for more is good."

"Why do you say that?" I raised an eyebrow in his direction. Jacob flashed me his cocky, brilliant smirk. "You know how it goes; first your friends, then you're something more." "But we're friends," I countered. Jacob's grin only widened. "Exactly," he reached over to take hold of my hand. To his surprise, I withdrew it. "What?" His eyebrow rose. "I can't hold your hand?" "Jacob, I...... I don't know if this is the best time for me to..... to get into that, yet." "Kay, well tell me something. You like me, right?" I looked him straight in the eye. "Yes," I answered without hesitating. Yes, yes I do; I don't even need to think about it. "Very much so."

Oh, if only I had a camera. He had on the cheekiest, most gleeful grin slapped across his face just then. He looked super pleased to hear that. "Well, for my part," his hand reached up to brush some stray hairs from my face. "I think you're absolutely beautiful, on the outside- but even better- on the inside. The most attractive thing about you is your personality," he leaned in closer. "Does your vampire ever tell you that?" "Jacob, it's not like that. I'm not holding back because of Zero..... It's complicated." "Why? What's so complicated about it?" "I can't give myself to anybody entirely, so long as I have to give a piece of myself to him," my eyes met him with a pleading stare. "It's not fair to you, and I'm not going to do that. You deserve a hundred and ten percent; not anything less."

Jacob contemplated this for a couple of minutes. He played with his fingers and studied the ground, although he still wore an ecstatic smile. Eventually the Alpha turned back up to me. "There is something truly good about you, Selene Lauser; like a light that I can see from everywhere," his hand picked up mine again. "I got loads of time. I'm not gonna give up." "Jacob, there are so many girls who'd be happy to have an......" "I don't want any of them. Look," he let out a small sigh. "I know how Zero treats you, but did you ever think that maybe you deserve better? Selene, I would never, ever hurt you," his hand squeezed mine tighter. "I would never hurt you, I promise," the most sincere, kindest smile passed his lips. "I won't ever let you down. You can count on me." We stared at each other in a sort of catatonic bliss. The outside world seemed to evaporate around us, leaving just him and I. Jacob, my eyes lowered; do you know how positively wonderful you are? He leaned in and my eyes gently shut as his lips rested on my forehead. He kissed me with such gentleness, I thought I was going to melt in his hand. Then he pulled me in for a strong, protective, possessive, passionate, adoring hug. He was all those things, and I loved each and every one of them.

"So, you and Jacob?!" Yori and I went out for lunch the day. I blushed but didn't say anything. "You're so lucky! He's like the hottest guy in school." "We're not officially dating or anything- yet. I want to wait until the school year's over before going steady with anyone." "But why? From what you told me, Jacob's ready for a relationship now." "I know, but...... I'm not in the position to date right now." Yori gasped. "Is it because of Zero?" "No! I mean, no." "Do you like him?" "Not exactly......... He's kind of mad at me." "Why? Did something happen?" "I told Jacob about our...... our arrangement and Zero wasn't too thrilled about it." "Maybe he's jealous of Jacob? You two are awfully close." "I don't....... think that's it," I considered Yori's proposition. Wait, could Zero actually be jealous? But there's nothing to be jealous about; he's the one who gets to drink my blood. On top of which, we live together. If anything, Jacob should be the jealous one; although I didn't want either of them to be jealous in the first place. It's not like it's a competition or anything.

"I doubt Zero's jealous, and if he is, he has a very funny way of showing it. He told that he doesn't want to get too close." "Really? Why not?" "It's....... complicated." "Hmmm," her sweet head nodded. "I suppose that makes sense. He doesn't seem close to anyone; maybe he just likes being alone." "Yeah, maybe......." My eyes scrolled downwards. "Well, at least you have Jacob in the wings. It's very obvious that you're off-limits." "Why do you say that?" I asked surprised. She pointed to the bracelet on my wrist. "You're wearing his signature. In wolf culture that means "back off, she's mine"." "It does?!" I blinked down to it disbelievingly. I didn't know that!

Yori nodded again. "Has Zero seen it yet?" "N-no, not yet," I was beginning to wavier. Not that I would take it off; I would never do that. It's just....... This only might make this tenser at home. Zero may not be jealous of Jacob but he certainly didn't like werewolves- all wolves. It would be like I'm siding with them, wouldn't it? I hope he doesn't think so because that's not the case. This bracelet represents Jacob- only Jacob. My mind caught itself, widening my eyes as my stare drifted off to nowhere. What does Jacob mean to me exactly? Was I so much in love with him that I hadn't realized.......?

"Well, I think its sweet," Yori chimed, balling her knees up to her chest and smiling my way. "You're obviously very important to Jacob." "Yeah, I guess I am......." "And, is he important to you?" "Yes!" My voice raised. "Of course! Jacob is very precious to me." "Why?" "Huh?" I blinked confused. "Why is he precious to you?" This made me think for a second. Why was Jacob precious to me? I knew he was; that was something I was sure about. But I never tried to articulate my feelings like this before. On the other hand, there's a first time for everything.

"It's hard to explain....... It's like, when he looks at me, I feel a little frightened, and yet......" My eyes began to drift again as I thought out loud. "He looks at me like I'm the only one in the room. His voice, his personality, his chivalry- they all make me want to go over and take him by the hand. Heh, then I find it almost impossible to let go. But what I think I like best is when he smiles......." A sincere smile of my own began to grow across my mouth. "He smiles at me and suddenly I feel like I've been given the most enormous, beautiful present." Yori just watched me in a sort of awe. She turned to look forward as well finally, grinning to herself. "That sounds wonderful," she said in a small but loving tone. "Yes," I agreed in the same voice. "Yes, it is."

Yori and I parted ways in the hall some hours later. We went shopping that afternoon with Paul and Quill as our escorts. I observed that ever since Jacob put his bracelet on me, wolves started treating me differently. Some treated me with greater respect while others- mostly female wolves- scoffed and scowled in my direction. "Just ignore them," Paul whispered into my ear as some snarky wolf girls turned up their noses on our way by. "They're jealous," Quill reassured me. I wasn't so sure.

The wolves saw us there and back, safe and sound. "Have a good night, ladies," Quill waved us goodbye. Yori and I hugged and also parted some ways down. To be honest, I dreaded going back to the flat. Zero would be there- maybe- and we'd see each other the first since...... Ugh! I didn't want to do this! Maybe Yori would let me sleep with her tonight. But I knew Zero would get antsy if I didn't come home. We had to cross this bridge sooner or later; might as well be sooner. That being said, I dragged me feet the closer I got to the stairway door.

Zero- the infamous Zero. There was nothing I could hide from him. He had direct access into my memories and heart. If I liked someone, he knew it; if I was afraid of something, he knew it. He knew utterly everything; talk about a total lack of privacy. Now, I understood that it's not his fault. He didn't choose to get a front row seat of my memory wheel. To get mad at him for something like this would be the same as blaming him for being a vampire; it's just not optional. But still, who would blame me for feeling slightly violated. That's the real reason I couldn't date anyone right now; it wouldn't be fair to the relationship. Zero would hear every word and see every touch; what kind of guy would willingly sign on for that? No, I would just have to wait, I sighed heavily. It won't be like this forever; I'll be free to conceal my private memories and emotions eventually.

"Do you like him?"  Yori's voice unexpectedly rang through my head. My feet paused, and I stood there near the doorway for a minute. Did I like Zero? How did I actually feel about Zero? I'm pretty certain of my feelings- my adoration- for Jacob, but him? The memory of Zero holding me by the shoulders as he brought his head to my neck flashed through my mind. Zero....... He was cold, brutal, calculating, apathic; he didn't even hold anybody in his heart. Just his dead parents, a tree, and a pink butterfly- for some reason. I wasn't in it, yet...... was he somewhere in mine? How do I feel about him, really? I glanced over as the door surprisingly opened. Zero stepped through the threshold, only to stare at me in surprise. We stood there looking at each other for a very long second. Just how do I feel about this vampire?