*I kept running as they followed behind me.
"Will I ever outrun them and be free?!"
~
Silhouettes: the story of 2 souls, finding love and themselves in the shadows of their pasts.
~'The past shall haunt you forever.
To all the people in my life...
I turned into my left side, letting out a little moan in the process. My neck and back are stiff due to falling asleep on the couch. But I had some sleep of two hours or so, better when compared to sleeping on my bed. Well my version of sleeping at least. I had a quick peak on my phone, it was 6:03 am. Today is Saturday. I rubbed my eyes as I sat up, oh I am having a headache. Perfect. I just want this stupid case to be over already, I don't care about the results. No, no I do. I want to win. 10 more days to go. The case is going up on Tuesday. I let out an exhale as I stood up. The room around me started to spin. *Allahum, now what?!!! I sat back down for a second. I think my lack of sleep and my sudden movement tilted my balance. After a few minutes of sitting down I got up again. 6:15 I was too feeble to carry my own body weight but I managed drag my body into the kitchen. I washed my face then leaned against the kitchen's sink. I need something sweet. I rampaged through the kitchen's drawers till finally finding it. My emergency chocolate bar. I ended up ingesting the entire bar, which is out of my ordinary. Honestly, I didn't have any appetite for dinner last night. 6:25 I threw the chocolate wrapper went into my bedroom for a quick change. I decided to put on my gym clothes, in hopes that puts me in some mood to workout. I haven't exercised in days, which is also not my usual. I am usually a gym fanatic add to that going out on long walks. 6:30 I sat on the shoe rack next to my apartment's door. I tied my shoes. Leaving my phone behind and obligations, I threw myself outside for a walk. When I was finally out, I walked across the street all the way into the beach nearby. 6:38 When I reached the beach I finally felt like I was breathing. The chest tightness I felt dissolved slightly at the beach sight. I took long inhales and exhales. 20 minutes into my walk I felt tired again. This is weird I usually walk for around an hour and a half without any arising issues. I decided to sit at a bench shaded by a tree. I breathed in the salty breeze across my face. Oh this is good. When I opened my eyes a sweet memory came into mind. I once had a long three hours walk on the beach. Yeah I went crazy on that day. But it was worth it. As I saw her sitting there under a similar bench that I am sitting on right now. The wind playing with her hair, and she had her eyes closed. I remember tiptoeing up to her. Luckily, I had a hoodie on, I pulled it over my head, hoping she wouldn't recognize me. I sat on the same bench near her, and watched her silently as her chest raised with each breath that she took. It gave me some peace back then. When she opened her eyes, I turned my head in the other direction. Aware of my presence now, she got up and left. But before leaving, she stopped at the little coffee shop just behind me. * After some time, I decided to walk back to my flat. Upon doing so, it took place, it took over me. Cold sweat dripped down my back. The breath I already took in, was stuck within my lungs. I couldn't exhale out. I was gasping for air, trying to breathe some air in, but I just couldn't. I COULDN'T BREATHE! My heart started to pace. Everything around me was magnified. I heard the traffic behind, a crying baby, a cat running straight ahead, someone in one of the apartments above played a foreign song, in Spanish. Everything and everyone around went on unaware of my existence. My legs betrayed me and I collapsed into the ground. I was down on my knees at this point. I started choking on my breath. I placed my hand over my chest and then I leaned forward. Please, no. No no no. I will die now. I will die here, all by myself in this abandoned small pathway between these two old buildings. I was only 5 minutes away from my apartment building. Whoever will find me later on will have no idea who I was, I carried no identification or a phone on me. And just like that Lawyer Nikola Gjoka was found dead in his neighborhood. I started to picture the headings in different newspapers announcing my death. I saw Luka crying his dead childhood friend. I saw her...
"*Abi, ' came a soft voice from behind me 'Abi". She approached me then leaned down coming in level with me. A young girl around the age of six. She looked at me behind her purple framed thick glasses with her beautiful blue eyes. Her mouth hanged open, terrified of the choking man in front of her. She placed her little hand over my shoulder and whispered "*Sen iyisin, *tamam. I am here with you." My heart grew clamer as I concentrated on her blue eyes. "*Sen... ....Me...le....kkk?!" I said between loud breaths. She laughed, and her laughter filled my ears. "What is your name?! *Ben Deniz." She said with a smile. Just like her blue eyes she was an ocean. "Ni.....k...o." I replied slowly. "Tamam Niko I will not leave your side, till you become better." She promised. And true to her promise, she stayed with me. "*Hadi, gel sit back." She said as she pushed my body back. At this point I was able to take a small breath. She held my hand and stood in front of me. "Do you need me to call someone?!" She asked. "No. Who are you?!" I replied in a very low voice almost a whisper that she leaned towards me to hear. "I told you I am Deniz, I am six. I have 3 older brothers, but my father loved me the most." She said beaming at me. I smiled back as I whispered "Go on." "I am going to first grade, but I am not doing so well in school. I am not very smart like Nora my friend." She kept rambling more about her school. Each word that fell out of her mouth found it's way into my ears and heart. I felt the chest tightness starting to subside. After some time I found myself smiling back at her, I also laughed back when she told me how she got away with misbehaving. "Sen iyi misin?!" She asked after I laughed. I nodded softly as I leaned my neck back, closing my eyes. "All thanks to you." "*Ne demek." She said happily. She stood there, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. She was growing nervous with my normal state. "Deniz, can you tell me where can I find your family?!" I asked her with a little smile. "They work in that bakery shop." She responded, pointing to the store I crossed before coming to this passageway. "Hadi gel. I need to thank my super hero properly." I said winking at her. She held my hand all the way out, just like she did during my panic attack. "You are okay right?!" She asked again. "*Iyiyim, tamam don't worry." I said laughing back. I walked into the bakery and met her grandpa. Upon further inquires, Deniz father died when she was only two. Her grandpa was taking care of them. I thanked them again and again and promised to visit again. "Deniz" I called as I walked out the shop with a bag filled with baked goods that I made Deniz choose for me. "*Efendim." She responded. I leaned down to be in level with the little girl. "*Bak you helped me a lot today. I have no idea what I would have done without you. But promise me you won't do it again. If you saw someone in need of help, call an adult, like your grandpa. "Tamam?" "Ama" she started. "*Hayir, Deniz. Promise me or I will be very upset with you." I pressed back. "Tamam." She said back slightly pouting. "I just want my super hero princess to be safe tamam." I said back pulling out my hand to handshake her little hand.
I got back into my apartment with a bag of baked goods from Deniz shop. I dropped myself into the couch. I opened the TV and picked up my phone. 17 missed calls, 2 from Luka and 15 from my aunt. Ouuffff ya. I called Luka first, he just wanted to check on me. I told him I had a walk, which was "great to hear" according to him. Yeah great, I had a six year old saving my butt. But I am sure, it won't happen again. I am fine. I AM FINE! After that I called my Aunt. "*Teyzem, what do you want?!" I said flatly when she picked up. I am done being nice to her, after last time's catastrophic night with her sobbing son. She started to cry into the phone "I need your help, your cousin...." "Well I needed your help growing up.' I cut her shortly 'Where have you been for me?!" Here is the thing my aunt married into a rich family and cut us all off. I was around 4 four years old, she visited my grandparents house to give my mother presents including old clothes. Which drove my mother crazy. She threw everything she brought out the window into the street. My aunt called it her act of kindness that was my mother very ungrateful of. She called my mother jealous, my mom called her ugly hearted and stupid. They had a big fight that day, but they made up on my seventh birthday. When my aunt got pregnant with my cousin, Cem. Years passed by without any contact from her side. She only reached out after I graduated college, after I made a name out of myself. "Ne?! *Yani you won't help me?!" She asked back in a fake posh accent. Off course!!! She is a woman out in society now. "*Evet, I won't. I already have a case coming up that I am busy with." "Shame on you, your Teyze is asking for you help. Anyways, I visited your mother the other day, when did you last visited your mom?! May be we can visit her next time togther" "Huh now you are trying to use my sympathy. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS IF I VISIT HER OR NOT. *Gule, gule Teyzem" I shouted back before hanging up., "1,2,3,4....." I started as I sank deeper into the couch. I am tired. Too tired, way too tired.
*Allahum -oh God *Abi -brother *Sen iyisim -are you ok? *tamam - okay *Sen -you *Ben Deniz - i am deniz *Hadi gel -come on sit up *Ne demek -what it means *Efendim - sorry (but here it means yes) *Bak -listen to me *Hayir -no *Teyzem -my aunt *Yani -so *Evet -yes *Gule gule -good bye
Hadi, till tomorrow. The trial is coming really soon, who will win?!
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