Checkmate (Sequel to Game On)

Chapter 40: Goodbye

My eyes are glued to the world outside the window that is keeping me apart from the freedom my heart is longing for. Nick sits beside me in the driver's seat, his free hand intertwined with my own.

A scene from when we left the other guys replays in my head.

"I can't believe you are actually going back", Vince had said to Nick when he told me he and I would go back in order for me to say goodbye to my family and friends, "she's really getting to you."

I didn't think much about it then but now, Vince's words cause me to wonder.

Am I really getting to him? Truth is, I think I am.

It's crystal clear that I've changed because of Nick but I haven't really thought about it the other way around, that Nick has changed because of me. It's an alien thought, him changing at all, but the more I think about it, the more obvious it is.

The old Nick would've never agreed on going back for one last goodbye and nor would he be so gentle and careful as Nick has been the last few days.

He is just like the weather, sometimes predictable and sometimes not, sometimes warm and sometimes ice cold, sometimes deadly and sometimes calm. Before, he was all that but worse.

I've changed him, just like he has changed me, and I wonder exactly how big of an influence I have on him.

Is there any chance that I might be able to convince him into letting me go? Probably not, but it's already an unspoken fact that I will try getting away as soon as I get the opportunity.

One thing that is making me anxious though, is the fact that Nick has a gun in the waistband of his jeans for "safety precautions" as he chose to put it.

"We can't stay for long", Nick says all of a sudden, breaking the silence, and I look at him through the side mirror. "I don't want to risk more than I already am."

I nod, already figuring it out.

"And you have to stay by my side all of the time", he continues, "alright?"

"Yeah", I answer in a voice barely above a whisper, the sadness getting to me now when I think about what I am about to leave behind me.

"I hope I don't have to tell you what will happen if you do something you shouldn't because the other guys are still out there and so are your frien-"

"I get it", I cut him off, not even wanting to think about my friends being hurt.

I'm currently an emotional rollercoaster and I can't seem to figure out how to control my feelings at this moment. I want to cry at the same time as I want to smile. I want to breath out in relief at the same time as I want to scream in frustration. Truth is, I don't really know what I want.

I want my friends and family to be safe, which they will be soon enough, but at the same time, I can't deny that there is a part of me that wishes I could be alright.

I don't want to be selfish, I'm not selfish, but a part of me wishes that I could just stop caring about everyone else and by that finding peace and finally be happy. The rest of me, however, is willing to sacrifice my happiness in exchange of safety for my family and friends and even though it may sound heroic, I think a lot of people would've done the same thing.

Sometimes you do have to let people go and that's what I am gonna do. Nick is the one who should let me go but since he refuses to, I have to make the hard decision instead.

"Hey", Nick says in a soft tone as he notices my sad expression, "don't be sad. It's gonna be alright."

"That's easy for you to say", I mumble, "you're not the one giving your whole life up."