Panic

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Nineteen

            I looked out at the open sea.  There was no way to get back to England, as far as I could tell, but if I rowed fast enough I could be away long before morning, before Fonce could get my shadow.

            I looked into my canoe.  I had plenty of apples, a few leather bags filled with freshwater, and my suitcase with my two ball gowns, the red dress, my shifts, and my nightgown.  My weapons were belted around my waist and my bow and quiver of arrows were slung over my shoulder.  I’d chosen to wear the green tunic so I could row unimpeded. 

            I was standing on the north-western side of the island, inside a cave where the pirates kept smaller sea worthy vessels that weren’t in current use.  I’d chose the canoe because it was the only one I could have gotten out of the cave without needing an extreme amount of nautical skills.  The oars were sturdy, and the canoe itself was in very good condition, with the added plus of a woollen blanket tucked underneath the bench where the rower sat.  After taking off my quiver and bow, I pushed out into the boat and started to paddle out into the silent night.

            I rowed hard through the night, and by morning, I couldn’t see the island.  I smiled, feeling the sun’s warmth on my face.  It had been such a long time since I’d seen the sun, or been out of doors.      

            Regardless of how wonderful daylight made me feel, I was exhausted, both from rowing and lack of sleep.  I ate an apple, sucking on the juice to hydrate myself.  I didn’t know when I’d find fresh water again, so I had to use what I had sparingly.  After the apple, I curled up under the woollen blanket, just to protect my shadow, and slept.

            When I woke, it was sundown.  I looked out over the water as the blood-red sun sank into the crystal blue water.  I was leaving this all behind.  For the second time.

            All of a sudden, the weight of the decision hit me.  I’d left Peter, the person I cared about more than anyone.  I’d left my father, my real father, the man who’d treated me like an equal (most of the time anyways), not a piece of property.  I’d left Nibs alone to face the darkness within him.  I’d left Percy without letting him win a fight.  I’d left Edward and Thomas without saying goodbye.  I’d left James alone to deal with Peter and his tantrums.  I’d left everyone without saying goodbye.

            I cried, letting the salty tears stream down my face.  I always had to make the hard decisions, whether or not to return, whether or not to leave, who to believe, who to trust.  “Why me?” I whispered.  “Why must I sacrifice everything I love so those I love can live?”

            Nibs was right though.  Leaving was the only way to ensure everyone’s safety.  Sure, they’d be down a soldier, but in the long run, I’d never amount to anything but a hostage used for bargaining.

            I wanted to kill Fonce so badly, it hurt.  I wanted to ruin his life, the way he’d ruined mine.  I could have been happy with Peter, the person who understood me better than anyone, the person who-

            Would you have been that happy? a voice asked.

            I could have been.  It would have been wonderful, always looking for the next adventure, always coming back to the compound with him, never aging, living on happily forever.

            Yes, I would have been happy.  I knew it now because the deep ache in my heart that made me almost double up in pain wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t true.  I spent the last five years of my life missing Peter and wanting him like I’d never wanted anything before.  And I’d almost had that happily ever after everyone talks about.