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Chapter Ten - Emotional Support Pet
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"If you're insecure, just say that," Niyah says from her bean bag after I explain my situation with Nick. She has on black sunglasses—inside the house because of her hangover. I know church wasn't easy for her to sit through this morning. Norah lies on Niyah's bed with me, seeming be to be recovered from her crazy Friday night. "I mean, he has to be because there's no other reason for him doing this."
I feel like a zombie today. I've put my phone on do not disturb to try to avoid checking it all day, scared of what will come from it. I've barely eaten, anxiety bubbling in my stomach and thoughts running wild.
Last night, after the kiss. . . Dylan and I had gone inside. We didn't talk about it. We tried to act normal—like nothing had happened and barely said a word all night—only subtle responses back and forth about whatever came up, like if he needed a trash can or water. But we knew we both felt awkward and tense. He slept on the blow up mattress like usual and I didn't fall asleep until three because I couldn't stop thinking.
I felt horrible inside. I felt like a cheater, like a liar. Regardless of my relationship status with Nick, it still felt dirty, considering Dylan is the reason we broke up. And I can't gauge if we're officially broken up or if he'll change his mind but I didn't mean for that to happen. I didn't expect Dylan to kiss me and for me to kiss him back and better yet—to like it. And as much as I hate to admit it—I really enjoyed kissing him. It almost felt. . . right even though it was wrong.
God. Fuck.
"You're right. You've given him no reason not to trust you," Norah comments and guilt pings inside me. I haven't told them about the kiss with Dylan and I don't exactly intend to. I'm scared of what they will say or how they will react.
"Don't let him make you choose," Niyah snaps. "He can fuck off with that. And the audacity after y'all just had sex too."
I gnaw at my bottom lip, feeling the dryness of them persist. God, I'm so anxious, I could throw up.
"Hey," Niyah says softly from across the room with a genuine look, noticing my state. "It's gonna be okay. He's not worth it if he makes you do this."
"Are you considering not talking to Dylan as much for him?" Norah asks me, hand rubbing my leg and I'm so grateful for her comfort but I wish she would stop because when I'm anxious like this, physical contact agitates me.
"I mean, no not really." I stand up and pace around the room for a second.
"Dude, hey it's okay. Calm down," Niyah says and I begin to cry.
