Again

Chapter 9

The ride home was quiet.  Kayla looked out of the window, trying to keep her emotions from clouding her brain.  Trying to stop herself from turning in her seat and begging Zac to change his mind.  Stop herself from asking him to choose her.  To let her make him happy.  Stop herself from begging him to fall in love with her the way she'd fallen in love with him.  She knew this was for the best, though.  It was the only way to save their friendship.  No matter what she felt for Zac, she knew she couldn't force him to reciprocate the same feelings for her.  She knew that it wouldn't be easy; they may not have ever been officially boyfriend and girlfriend, but in some way, they were certainly breaking up.
"Hey," Zac said reaching out and grabbing Kayla's hand.  She looked down at their hands, his sitting on top of hers, slightly squeezing her fingers, and pulled away.  She turned to look at him.
"Are we going to be okay?" he asked.  The question made her heart ache.  
"Of course we're gonna be okay," she replied.  She looked at him for another moment as he turned his eyes back to the road in front of him, "We're always going to be okay.  No matter what happens," she finished.  She wanted to believe it.  She wanted to mean it.  She hoped with all of her heart it was true.

They pulled into their driveway and noticed the living room light was on.  It was still early, but she expected the guys to be tired from travelling.  Zac placed his truck into park, and they made their way to the front door.  When they'd reached the porch, Zac turned from the door and faced Kayla.  She looked up at him, but remained silent; she was exhausted.
"Kail, I know I didn't say much back there... well I mean, I don't usually say much," he began.  She chuckled at the jab he'd taken.  It was true, however, she usually dominated the discussion whenever there was a disagreement, "But please know I'm sorry.  There is nothing else I can say but I'm sorry,"
"Zac it's fine--" 
"No, Kail, it's not.  Please, this time you let me finish," he said, cutting her off.  She took a step back and crossed her arms.  It was her defense mechanism, a way of not allowing him to get too close.  She felt herself do it and lowered her arms.  She didn't want to be defensive, and she wanted to hear what he had to say, but she just felt so tired.
"I never meant to hurt you.  I would never want to hurt you and I know that I did.  I know I made the wrong choices when it came to the way I handled things and I let my, well, my desire to not lose you allow me to make choices that didn't take you into consideration.  I was selfish.  Please know that, it was me, not you."
Exhaustion started to creep in again, and Kayla began to feel her patience shrinking away.  She shifted uncomfortably.  She knew Zac was trying to offer her some comfort, during what ultimately was rejection, but he wasn't being effective.  She understood that what he was saying may have been how he truly felt, but she just didn't agree with it.
"I get it Zac, I understand.  I really do, I always have.  You wanted her and you wanted me and you didn't want to choose and I never made you.  Maybe I Ied you to believe I was okay with that, but I wasn't and I thought that you would see that for yourself and you didn't.  I think that has a lot to do with why things changed so much for me.  Why we fought so much and why I became so angry with you.  I wanted you to know what I was feeling without me having to tell you because I figured you just knew me that well."  She looked up at him as she finished speaking.
Her words stung him; he thought he knew her well, better than anyone, and she was standing here telling him that he didn't.  He opened his mouth to speak again, but thought better of it.  He knew her body language and tone.  She was done talking about it and if he pushed, things were sure to escalate into an argument.
He turned to the door and placed his key into the lock.  He opened the front door and found Taylor and Isaac in the living room.  Taylor sat in his chair indulging the last few pages of the book he was reading earlier, and Isaac was sitting on the floor, tuning his guitar.
"Hey guys," Zac said as he walked in and stepped to the side.  He allowed Kayla to step around him before he reached back and closed the front door.  Taylor lowered his book and Isaac raised his head, 
"Hey," responded Isaac before setting his guitar down on the floor next to him.
"How was dinner?" Taylor asked.
Kayla and Zac exchanged a quick glance before she spoke, "It was fine."  She clasped her hands in front of her as she lowered her head.  The silence was tense and she needed to get away.  She raised her head and looked over at Zac, "I'm gonna take a shower," she said.
"Again?!" Isaac and Taylor asked in unison.  Kayla turned to look at them, a glare on her face.  They quickly turned away in surrender as she turned and walked towards the kitchen.  She stopped and filled a glass with ice before proceeding into the hallway.