With You, Or Without You

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen

                           We walked down stairs together, making it to lunch.  "Morning Miss Ally"  I greeted her sitting at the table.  

                             She whipped her mouth and smiled, "Was wondering when I would hear from you again.  Managed to show up at church though, that's good.  But you never got a chance to introduce me to your friends."  Sarah gave me a smug look from across the table.  Miss Ally looked at Harvey.  Hatred didn't show in her eyes, she looked happy, "This the girl you were running from?"  

                                    I choked on my french toast.  

                                    "I don't see why you'd run from her.  She's a very smart, pretty and independent woman.  Who loves her man enough to follow him to Texas, in a less stalkerish way than that sounded."  She said sweetly sipping her tea.  "And your sister and just the cutest little thing.  Justin here seems like a good friend to have.  They all love you very much, showing you, you had no reason to run."

                                  I caught on to what she was doing.  Guilt trip freeway.  I stood up, put my hat on my head and walked out the door.  By now I was an expert at walking out doors.  I grabbed the bottom of my sweatshirt with my hands  and pulled it slightly.  Just started walking.  I don't know where I'm going.  I never seem to anymore.  I reached into my pocket to grab nothing.  I no longer had a ring in my pocket.  I always pictured this moment being happy.  If it wasn't in my pocket it was with her heart.  It means nothing to me to have her have it.  I just want it back.  I love her, I'll always love her.  You don't forget you're first true love.  But just cause you still love them, doesn't mean they should be the only one in your life.  You need to move on, to find that person who will be your whole life.  One worth living for.  That's what I need, a new life.  

                                   Harvey's beautiful.  She'll find someone new, easy.  Guys were all over her the whole time we were together.  She's fun, outgoing and an amazing lover.  When she gives you her heart, you can feel it pumping right besides yours.  Your hearts will be together forever.  That's feeling you can't even dream about.  She'll find a guy to run away with, who won't tie her down to one spot but will move when she does.  She'll find another person to kiss the scars of her past.  Who won't ever hurt her.  They'll have her dream wedding on some cliff over some great lake or ocean.   They'll have a million sets of kids.  They'll stay alive and healthy for decades to come.  

                                     Melanie is nothing but herself.  She's tough, smart and looks like a lady.  When your broken she'll make you feel new.  Like you were never broken before.  When you're with her she'll make you feel like you're in some happy dramatic movie where you want to break out in song. Any guy would be lucky to enter her world.  She'd be a great wife.  I've only known her for a few weeks, yet I feel like I've known her for years.  She's going far in life.  

                                     I stood in front of the bar doors.  I don't feel like drinking right now.  I just feel like singing my blues away.  I opened the wooden door and walked in.  The place was dead tonight except for John who practically lived here, some guy drinking alone at the tables, and the bartender. The man who usually jumps on me every time I walk in was busy mixing John something strong.  He smiled and nodded his head to me.  I wouldn't mind coming in if he just greeted me like that from now on and all before.   I gave him a salute of my hand and headed to the stage.  I picked up my guitar that was leaned on the wall behind the stage and put it around my torso.  I really didn't need a whole introduction thing.  John sure as hell knew me, so did the bartender.  The guy at the table didn't seem to interested in anything but the air in front of him.  

                                         I sang a little bit of Cash, some Garth Brooks and a lot of George Strait with the occasional Willie Nelson.   Heart break song after drinking song after heart break song.  I sang every song that fit the way I felt.  I sang it with everything I had.  I put my life and soul into the lyrics in each song.  I felt pain going away through them, as the words soared through my heart and out my mouth.  I didn't sing any random songs, each one matched a story of mine. I sang them as if I had wrote them.  

                                        I needed something to drink.  I put my guitar back on it's stand against the back wall and walked down the stairs.  The guy at the table was watching me with great interest, even when I walked down the stairs and to the bar.  Made me feel uncomfortable.  

                                         "A Sprite please," I asked for.

                                         "What?  What happened to my drinking buddy.  You sounded low up there!"  John said slapping me on the back lightly.

                                             I took my Sprite and took a sip shrugging.  "I've got a lot on my mind John.  I can't erase it today, need to think it over clearly"

                                             He nodded like a wise sober man he could have been.  "Well there's always room for you to pull a stool up next to me son".

                                                I gave him a silent toast and turned around.  The man at the table was a few feet in front of me.  "Hi," -He held out his hand- "How are you?"

                                                 I shook his hand, "Alright" but my heart always knew that was a lie.  

                                                "Kid, you've got raw talent.  All them young country stars today sound like they need auto tune, some use it.  Their just killing country music.  You keep country the way country was at it's highest point with a mix of all the kings.  You sing like George Strait, you dress like Johnny Cash and play that guitar up there like Garth Brooks.  I've seen you in here before, you even drink like Willie Nelson." - I was flattered to be compared to every man I looked up to in music- "I'm a producer, I can get you noticed, but I'm sure you won't really need me, being who you are.  What do you say?  We organize a meeting to discus this further?"  He looked like an honest man who really believe in me.  

                                              Anybody who wanted to be a singer would die to be living this moment.  But that's not my dream.  I don't want to be a singer.  I shook my head, "I'm not looking to be any big shot singer, I'm just a man from a small town with a broken heart trying to sing my blues away. Now if you will excuse me."  I put my drink down and walked out of the bar.  I just crushed everyones hopes for this town through me.  According to Jim anyway.  But I didn't care.  I continued walking down the road.  

                                                  There was a sharp pain in my side, I hunched over.  I continued walking.  Must be a cramp.  If I just walk it off it'll go away.  I kept walking and it just got worse.  it felt like someone was sticking a burning knife through my side.  I began to feel like headed.  It felt like I stood up too fast, everything was black and hazy.  I fell down holding my side trying to see through the haze.  I was laying in the middle of the road.  This is where I finally give out.  There was a ray of light in the black.   I ran to it.  

                                                  I wonder what life will be like for the world when I'm dead.  All I'm sure about is world war three will break out when I die with the secrets I won't be able to protect anymore.  How will everyone react? Will my mom move on like she did on my dad, find some new son?  Will Sarah take care of mom and Loretta?  Who will become the man of the house.  Mom's ex boyfriend Chuck will never take me and my fathers place as head of the house.  Never.  Not even when I'm dead.  What will Justin think when I'm dead?  Will he know I didn't kill myself on purpose today?  Or will he forever think I got away with murder.  Will there be someone who will place a Jack Daniels bottle on my grave knowing that it's my favorite.  Or a pack of Marlboro cigarettes?  Who will cry, who will cry themselves to sleep?  Will anybody cry?  Will they dress me so my scars don't show?  Will they let me wear my hat in my casket.  Or will I be cremated.  I've wanted to kill myself for years on end.  I've attempted it a million times or more.  But I never thought about all this.  When I die will people actually pretend to care or will they still think I'm crazy?