You Only Live Once [Completed]

Chapter 4

What doe s having a relationship with Levi consist of? Games, lying and possibly cheating. Heck, I have no clue if Levi's cheating on me or not. I don't really know what our relationship means other than getting hurt in the end. Most girls I went to highschool with would never even give guys like Levi a chance, and they sure of hell wouldn't guess that I of all people would give one a chance. I never thought I would either, I've shocked even myself. Relationships aren't all lovey-dovey-fun-and-games, especially with a boyfriend like Levi. I never know when to be serious, joking or just myself. It's hard to stay with him knowing what kind of risks are on the line.

Not to mention that Levi and I are getting really serious fast. We can't keep our hands off of each other not to mention I decided to go off birth control. It wasn't an easy decision, but what if I wanted to be pregnant and I couldn't because I was taking the damn pill. My brain is getting twisted and messed up from this relationship, but it's a risk I'm willing to take. Every day getting closer to Levi is worth not ever thinking the same again. I don't know the definition of love; is it Levi and I or Megan and Brad? If Levi ever broke up with me I'd be afraid that I'd never stop crying again. 

Our relationship is terrible love. Somewhere deep inside me knows that our love isn't the same as the rest, yet my conscious mind doesn't take note of this. It screams this is the real thing, true love. Truer than it will ever be in your whole life. I'm afraid to ask anyone if our love is different because I'm afraid of their answer. Afraid that they will say no, your love isn't normal. I doubt it's even love. If it is love, it would be called terrible love. It's hard to think straight when you're so caught up in the moment of having a boyfriend, a mate who could possibly be your soul mate. You're willing to give up everything for that one special person, even if the thing you gave up could've gotten you famous. 

It's like...it's like the sun coming out and warming your soul. That's what love feels like, to me anyway. Every kiss, every touch, feels electric to me. My heart would die if Levi didn't feel the same way. It's not easy not being able to know if the guy you love, loves you back. Yeah, sure, sparks fly at first...but after a while, you get used to your partner. So used to them that you can act just like you would with friends, but also be all lovey-dovey. My mom calls me at least once a week and in that conversation she works in how great Levi is. If only she knew about his past, his present. On the 'dating' relationship chain, Levi's up at the top of the chain. It's kind of weird figuring this out, I mean no girlfriend ever places their boyfriend on a food-chain type thing. 

Does this mean I'm going insane? I hope not, yet again I might be going insane with all this love. I think it's beautiful what Levi and I have, it just comes naturally to us. I'd be so devastated if our relationship ended; I've thought this enough times and I know I shouldn't be thinking about the 'what ifs' in our relationship, but rather the 'now'. If we do end up calling it off, I'll have to try to put this experience behind me to start off fresh. But I know that will never happen, I won't be able to think clearly about how a relationship should be. But rather, I'd be thinking about what I know a relationship is. What I know is Levi, nothing beyond that.

"What does our relationship really, truly mean?" I wonder aloud.

It means playing games, getting hurt, putting yourself out on the line. No girls ever get a chance to meet a great guy who could possibly have a tortured soul. I lay awake in bed for the rest of the night, not being able to sleep due to my brain working in over-drive, trying to figure out what our relationship means. When Levi finally wakes--around nine in the morning--I'm staring intently into his eyes with one word on my lips.

"Promise." I whisper to him.

For his ears only.

"What?" He rubs his eyes sleepily.

"Promise me you will never leave me." I say, my voice choked with emotion.

"I...promise." 

He says it so sincerely that I believe him. I believe him. Out of how many lies he's told me, I choose to believe him, again and again. If Natalie knew this, she would say that I'm so stupid for believing him. But I can't help it, he's got his hooks in me so deep. So, so deep.