Hunger

t w e n t y - e i g h t

The drive home was so quiet that I could hear my heart beating. It was a mistake going to that place, I never should have let him talk me into it. What was I thinking? That I could get better? That I could eat food and go on with my life like nothing happened? That mom would be happy if she knew that I went there? I'm fat, he said it. You're not underweight. Was all I could think about.

I need to lose another ten pounds, I want to be underweight, skinny, sick. For some reason I wanted to look like the girl I saw on that place. She looked so sick, and for a moment I judged her, but she had to work so hard to get there, I want to get there.

We got home, and I quickly went upstairs, knowing that I had to go back there on Wednesday. How much weight can I lose by then? If I fast and exercise I could easily lose five pounds, if I try hard enough.

I lock the door behind me and start pacing around in my room. I need to lose weight. Was the only thing on my mind? I drop to the floor and start doing sit ups like a maniac. I was on my third set when I heard a knock on my door.

"Go away Christopher." I say trying to sound casual, not like I was out of breath because I was exercising.

"Are you okay?" He asks through the door and I roll my eyes.

"Never been better." I shout back laying my back on the cold floor.

He went away, and I remembered that I must see Nate today. I care about him, I do, but lately I feel like he's just another burden to add to my life. He's becoming Chris, trying to help me and stuff, which is not good for me at all.

I sigh getting up and going to the bathroom to shower. I was sweaty, and my hair was all greasy, so I took a quick shower. After I was done, I went downstairs to drink some water before going to Nate's.

He was inside the kitchen and I ignored him staring at me while I drank my water.

"Aren't you going to eat lunch today?" He asks playing around with his food.

"Where's my sister?" I ask, quickly changing the subject. "Haven't seen her in a while."

"I don't know, your mom and her went out." He replies shrugging.

I frown, but nod going to the door. I was actually glad that mom wasn't home today. That way she wouldn't ask stuff, and discover I went to see a doctor.

"Where are you going?" He asks, eyeing me from head to toe.

I was wearing a simple light blue dress with some nude sandals. "Nate's." I reply looking at him from the kitchen entrance.

"Are you guys a thing?" He asks frowning. "Is he like your boyfriend?"

I was going to tell him is none of your business, but truthfully, I felt bad for him. "I guess so." I reply, noticing the disappointment in his face.

He says nothing, and I sigh, feeling guilty for some reason. "Chris-"

"It's okay." He says standing up and putting his plate on the sink. "I don't care." He lies shrugging.

I frown, trying to figure out what he was feeling, aside from despair.

"It's just-" he starts but doesn't finish.

"It's just what?" I ask resting my head against on the door.

"Just because I won't kiss you again, doesn't mean I don't like you anymore."

"Why do you have to say stuff like that?" I ask exasperated. "Why complicate things so much?" I continue staring at the floor.

"Because!" He says turning around. "I can't help loving you! Do you think I chose to feel this way? How I wish I could hate you just like I did a month ago."

I feel my heart skip a beat and avoid his gaze. "Stop." Murmur feeling weird.

"It's the truth." He says sighing. "And besides," he adds frowning. "It's actually your fault."

"My fault?" I laugh confused.

"Yes!" He exclaims exasperated. "Why did you have to kiss me that night?" He asks crossing his arms. "Everything was okay until you kissed me and made love you." He whispers disappointed.

I look at him trying not to feel bad. "I thought you were Nate." I whisper.

"Believe," He scoffs annoyed. "I know, which only makes me feel worse by the way."

"I'm sorry." I murmur feeling way worse.

He doesn't say anything else, so I turn around and go out the door. Great, what I needed right now wasn't knowing that information. Was he trying to make me want to die? I only felt worse now.

I get to Nate's house and knock on the door, after a few seconds he opens the door.

"Hi." He says, and gives me a quick peck on the lips, and I went inside after him.

"Hey." I reply with half a smile.

"How did it go?" He asks taking a sit on the couch, and so did I next to him.

"Fine I guess." I reply resting my head on his shoulder. "I have another appointment on Wednesday.

"Want me to take you?" He asks grabbing my hand.

"It's okay." I reply moving my thumb slowly over his soft skin. "Chris will take me after school." I continue.

For some reason, even though I didn't want to go, I wanted to go with him. It was kind of our thing. He was right, he's the one that got me the appointment, going with someone else felt like cheating, in some sort of way.

We talk for a bit more, and he put a movie he liked on the tv for us to watch, but the only thing I kept thinking about was my conversation with Christopher just a few minutes ago. How could I concentrate with all his words in my mind?