And My Heart Goes

"Effort"

            I told Zade that I still wanted to date him; however, while we were getting tested and waiting on the results, I experienced an immediate sense of doubt. Could I truly handle his baggage? Could I truly look past his flaws and continue to figure out how he could add to my life? I honestly wanted to give him a chance but I wasn't so sure that I needed to. When it came to Micah and Kwame, I felt like I could handle their flaws because they had room to grow and hadn't defined everything they themselves wanted or needed. It was completely different with Zade. He'd defined himself and he'd defined exactly what he wanted from someone like me and his definitions didn't wholly agree with my very own definitions. We were the same when it came to various sex preferences, but universally different on everything else. For that reason, I couldn't help but think of him as another version of Theo.

            "I didn't think you'd be so quiet," he said to me as we sat across from each other in Chili's. "We're both negative for everything we got tested for, so shouldn't we be excited?"

            "I'm happy," I told him.

            "You don't seem very happy."

            "Zaden, I'm happy."

            His head dropped suddenly and he sighed before saying, "You only call me Zaden when you're disappointed in me. I guess I got my hopes up when you told me you still wanted to date, huh?" When I didn't say anything, he shook his head and asked, "Why won't you ever just tell me what's on your mind?"

            "I have a lot on my mind."

            "Okay, then talk to me about it."

            "How can I be honest with you if you'll just take it as me judging you or being intolerant?"

            "I respect honesty, Elijah. Some shit is hard for me to take but I can take it. What is the biggest problem you have with me?"

            I looked into his eyes for a while without saying anything and then admitted, "I don't think I can ever be okay with you abusing drugs. I was being fully honest with you earlier at the clinic when I told you I wanted to keep seeing you. But if you can't put an end to the drug use then I'm not sure how much longer I can keep my word."

            He nodded slowly and said, "I'm not hooked and I can kick the habit whenever I want."

            "Zade, a lot of people say that."

            "Baby, I'm making a promise to you. Right here and right now, I promise I will only smoke weed. I won't pop pills and I won't do coke anymore."

            "You should be making the promise to yourself, Zade. Hardcore drugs are bad for you. They don't bring anything good into your life. All they do is feed on your hopes and your dreams. They eat them away until you have nothing left. I've seen drugs take down the most stable people."

            "I'm not an addict."

            "Maybe you aren't today but how do you know you won't become one tomorrow? Look, I understand you're young and you think the world is just one big party for you to fuck up in but I can promise you that you only get one life and one life only. You can't waste your one life by giving in to pain and floating through it day to day using a high as your transportation. And you damn sure can't love someone more than you love that high. I refuse to be second to a pill or cocaine or anything else you use to help you sleep at night or make it through a depressing day."

            "Elijah, what can I say or do to get you to trust me? You name it and I will do it."

            "I want you to consider talking to a therapist."