I'm Not Okay {FIN & EDITING}

{7} Session 2

I was sitting on the hallway floor, waiting for my therapist to finished with another person. I was not the only one who needed professional help, and for sure, I wasn't the only one who had problems. Everyone had issues, but some just don't know, don't care, don't know how to work it out, or they just give up. If it's a huge problem, you have to admit it, and then acknowledge that you need help. Those were the very first steps of solving all the kinds of issues and always will.

At first, I didn't know why I went to my therapist, but if my dad put me there, then something must have been wrong with me. I didn't know what it was, though.

The door flew opened, and I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw who came out! It was the guy I kept thinking about! He froze for a second but then smiled and extended his arm, offering me his hand. I rose an eyebrow, and he rolled his eyes with his smile on his face still.

"Do you need a hand?" He asked.

I looked at him then to his hand and grabbed it. It was warm and soft and big, while mine was small and slender. "Thanks," I said and noticed his eyes weren't puffy or red anymore, and he was getting his skin color back. "I guess you went to the nurse, right?"

"W-w-what?" He asked, looking at me. Was he deaf? When I talked to him every time, he stuttered like if I was going to hurt him. I would but only if he touched me.

"Are you okay?" I asked slowly, changing the subject. He slowly nodded his head, and I noticed he was still holding my hand. I quickly let go and looked at my therapist. She smiled and waved her hand for me to come in.

"So, bye," I said and walked into my therapist's room.

"Bye, Zayden," I heard him whisper, and my therapist closed the door. How in the world did he know my name? I've never told him my name before.

"Is that the boy you've been thinking about?" My therapist asked excitedly as soon as I stepped into her office. Why was she excited? Did she know something that I didn't?

"What do you know that I don't know?" I asked what I was thinking. She smiled and sat on the chair that we usually talk face to face. I sat down, and I waited for her to start shooting her questions. She grabbed her clipboard and crossed her legs, putting the right leg over the left.

"Let's get straight to the point. Have you thought about what I said? And do you really want the guy you've been thinking about two days to go to leave you alone?" She asked, looking at her clipboard and started writing.

"Um...Yeah, and yes, I'm going to push him away," I said, looking at the door. Why was he in there? Did he have problems? Why did he look sick today?

"Zayden!" My therapist rang in the room, cutting my thinking. I snapped my head towards her and was annoyed. Another question and I was going to walk away.

"Have you heard what I said?" She asked, and I shook my head, then I slide down in my chair a little bit.

She looked to me in the eyes and asked directly, "Are you thinking about Rhett?" Rhett? Was that the boy with light brown hair and dark brown eyes name? Was it weird that I liked his name more than mine?

"Is that his name?" I asked. She nodded her head and wrote something down. Why didn't she tell me earlier? I could have known his name two days before! I wanted to say something sarcastic, but if I were going to be mean to her, she would help me. I bit on my cheek from the inside and held my tongue tightly so it won't slip.

"Yes. I didn't know it was him, though. It could be anyone else. Anyway, have you talked to him?"

"I was going to, but then I saw he looked pale and he had bags under his eyes. I was worried about him, and I told him to go to the nurse, but he stopped smiling, and then the bell rang, and he waved at me and went to class. Now I'm nervous and worried about him."

"Why are you nervous and worried?"

"Didn't you hear me? Do I have to say things twice so you can hear correctly?"

"I heard you the first time, but it still shocks me that you have feelings for someone else besides yourself and your mother," she confessed.

And that took me off guard. I jumped from my seat and yelled at her, "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Zayden, you must sit back down and calm down. If you do not, I will call security, and they will send you to another therapist," she warned calmly.

I sighed slowly and sat back down. It sounded like I was being selfish and meant, but I wasn't trying to be any of those, I just didn't like a lot of people, and I didn't change my attitude since I was born. Eden and my dad have changed, and I wanted them back, but I didn't know what to do.

"Zayden, can you tell me what are you thinking about?" My therapist asked. I looked at her eyes, and she was worried.

It wasn't usual for me to see someone worry about me but my mom. For some reason, I liked the fact that she cared about me and thought that maybe she wasn't bad. I took a deep breath. "What you said to me made me angry. I didn't like what you said, and it sounded like I was a selfish person, which I'm not. Now, I think about how my family has changed. Eden, my little brother, changed so much that I wish he were like you. He's only thirteen, and he acts like an adult! My dad hardly talks to Eden or me, and I don't know what to do because I go to therapy for no reason," I said and took another deep breath and decided to shut up. It was the longest sentence I've ever said. I've never spoken so much in my life. I wasn't a fan of talking.

My therapist smiled and put her clipboard on the desk. "Zayden, thank you."

I froze for a moment and looked at her. "What?"

"I said, thank you," she repeated, still smiling. And on the same day, for the second time, it was another first for me.

"W-what did I do?" I stuttered.

"You finally opened up to me. You told me what you're thinking, and that's what I've always wanted." She said and got up.

"Where are you going?"

She flashed me a smile before going to her desk and looked for something. She grabbed something that looked like a book and gave it to me. I opened it, and it was blank. I looked back at her, confused.

"This is a pad where you can express your feelings," she said. I rolled my eyes and stopped going through the pages. I heard about this 'expressing your feelings' crap before, and I don't believe it. It was a load of bull, and I thought my therapist wouldn't go classy like those movies where the therapist gives students a book to 'express their feelings.' But that book looked huge to write even a full page.

"You don't write. Instead, you draw how you feel." I blinked in surprise. I didn't expect to draw something that expresses my feelings. Ironically, I didn't know how to draw.

"It's fine if you don't know how to draw. At least you did something to show me you understand what you have to do and how you feel."

"So...is this homework?" I asked and groaned when she nodded her head. I sighed and looked at the clock. It was the time to go, so I jumped from my seat and grabbed my bag.

"Zayden, I want you to draw how you feel, and I'll check it tomorrow. If there is something else you have in your mind, you can give me a summary, and we can talk about it tomorrow," my therapist said.

I nodded my head and quickly said, "There is a girl, I don't know her name, and she wants to be my friend also. I don't know if I should let her because she's weird and bubbly while I'm calm and quiet."

"Let her befriend you. I think you need friends, and about Rhett, have you thought about him today?"

I scoffed and walked towards the door. "You have no idea how many times I thought about him." 

I opened the door, and I heard my therapist laughing as it closed behind me. I felt my lips twitch, not into a frown.