the day that time stood still (thasmin)

chapter 6

fickle game- amber run

(Doctor POV)

Her simple embrace warms me so much, I can feel my heart become instantly lighter as hers does also. Both of us were momentarily free because we held each others pains and sadnesses intertwined with our joys and euphoria. The hug could've lasted seconds or hours but the amount we told each other with that simple act was more than any one conversation had the power to. But a conversation was needed, not everything can be healed by a hug and a break. This was more, a matter of life, and whether we will go on with or without each other. This was one of those situations you need a time machine in case that conversation runs over. I let go, as she does, allowing both of us to face the other. Her eyes have become sunken and hollow, although I see the fire inside her still, it is just embers. Equally as likely to start back up as they are to go out. Her mouth forming a reluctant smile, the sort of one you wear when you want to pause the tension, or hide your real feelings. It wasn't wide and toothy, but shallow and untruthful, it felt like a lie only I could read.

"I... I don't know what to say, I had this big speech planned out and now I don't know where to start or what to say."

"we could start with hello, and then maybe I should apologise again" I say, trying to remain as calm as possible, "I wasn't truthful with you, I can't promise to keep you safe, and I know that, there is so much I need to tell you, show you even, but not without you knowing what could happen."

"you think I don't know what could happen? I've seen what this can do to people!" She sounds angry, her voice raising slightly but with control. I know she is right, she is so smart and I treat her like a child sometimes, but she's so young, so inexperienced, she hasn't seen everything yet, and she never should. "i know people die, and get injured when they're with you doctor, just like here, on Earth. Not even the best doctor can save every patient, but they try their best, put their heart into every thing they get themselves into to save as many as possible, they make promises they can't keep just so their patients feel better for a small while. You try to heal everything, everyone's sadness, eliminate people's worries but you can't save all of us, there are some who don't wan't to be saved, doctor. There are some of us companions who don't always have a choice whether we live or die, but the important thing is that it is never, and I repeat never, your fault. I need you to hear that. You aren't the one causing this pain, you just feel it, and it makes you confused, and you feel the pain for everyone. Because you know how difficult it is to deal with. But you were the reason they were happy in their last moments, even if they didn't seem like it. Doctor..." her voice cracks up. My police officer is breaking down before me and all I can do is stare at her, no words able to push themselves past my brain. "you are never alone doctor, I know thats what you're scared of, me too. Everyone hates being lonely but you aren't. You said it yourself. We take parts of those we've lost and we carry them with us. I tried to carry parts of you with me but it was exhausting" we chuckle together, I need to tell her everything but this is neither the time nor place. She is in pain, and anything I say now will just push that even further. I need to be gentle with her, its been quite apparent to me she is anxious, trying to hide it behind her willingness to follow besides me, but I see through that. I also know that she has something else to say but doesn't quite know how. We are the same in that way, no matter who you are, or how long you've lived, there is always that feeling of dread you have before saying something you know is going to affect your future.

" We need to speak to my mum, she has a right to know and has a right to input on my decision on whether I continue, because I want to doc, I really do, but I can't hurt her, if she loses me I don't know what would happen. Please doc, I think its time she found out"

And there it is. I knew this time was coming, her family are close, and I can just feel it again, the reminder of Rose and Jackie, and Mickey. They never really lost anyone but me, but I knew that was hard. I can't imagine how they went about living in that alternate universe. Nothing can happen to this family, never, I've broken too many, I hold the weight of so many on my shoulders that I can't bear anymore.

"its only right, even if it means we never travel again, I will visit you every so often, If the TARDIS lets me of course."

"I think its time to go doc, she has the day off, told her we need to talk, she'll know what its about, she'll know as soon as you walk into my flat. There's no point wasting time here, because despite the time machine I will still grow old, I don't have forever but, if I can, I would like to spend as much of my time travelling, so lets find out if that can be with you."