the day that time stood still (thasmin)

chapter 8

drown- seafret

(Doctor POV)

Something like this needs to be grounded so I start to walk over to the console ready to take us back to about 5 minutes after we left.

"Yaz, Najia, can you get back in and close the door please. I think we need to do this over a tea, and I can't remember if I have any."

"thats fine sweetie, I have some at mine." Her calling me that hurt, and I know Najia didn't mean it but it brings back so much that will be impossible to relive. I focus on my ship to prevent any premature tears from falling, I barely have control over them at the moment but I can't yet, just need to land. We vworp into action, my girl landing slowly, more carefully than normal. I think she can sense the tension in me. As we materialise back in Sheffield I check the time, can't step on our own timelines. Maybe it was to waste some more time before I inevitably tell them my past. Everything about me. But that's what you do when you love and care for a person, you let them see all sides of you, you prepare them for the worst because, with me, the worst always happens.

"well come on, lets get to the flat" I can't be excited like I was when I had first gone there, this is different. I'm about to lose them, probably forever. I'm going to scare them off and Yaz will never be allowed to travel with me again. We reach Yaz's block and slowly start to walk up to her flat.

For the first time in my life, which is a new feeling for me, I feel like I have no control. Even when battling the Daleks and Sycorax, even when losing Rose and Donna, I still had control over my emotions, at least more than I do now. Losing each person is painful but I've lost so many, and each one gets harder to deal with because of the memories of the ones before get brought back to the surface. The stairs move around me, my head feeling light. Why could they not live on the bottom floor. Each breathe is laboured and each step becomes increasingly more difficult and my stomach turns, and replaces my diaphragm, pushing itself to the surface. This doesn't feel right, its like my hearts are dropping to my feet and all of a sudden I can't hear anything, but I can hear so much. All the voices outside and in different flats. none of them saying anything, just a lot of mumbles. One is louder than the others. Is that Yaz speaking?

"Y-y-ya-yaz. YAZ" i can't tell if I'm shouting, or if I'm making any noise at all but I can feel my eyes heating up, going blurry. Breathing getting heavy, so hard. I've never had this much trouble climbing stairs before. I feel a pair of hands, Yaz's hands, grab my waist and steady me. I hadn't realised I was still walking until I stopped. Her hands were so warm, even through my tops and I was cold, even with my jacket, even though it warm outside, or maybe my shivering wasn't because I was cold, but what else could it be? My tears warm on my cheeks, and her hands holding me steady, and her voice telling me it will be fine, that we will get home, even through all the white noise of everyday life, her steps slow so I don't fall trying to keep up, my back curving over so I look at the floor, my steps small and slow. We stop. Must be at the flat because I hear a door open, and see a lot of light, then nothing. I feel nothing. I hear a voice, not Yaz's or Najia's but everyone's. All of them speaking at once. Telling me it's okay, Rose, Donna, Clara, Bill, Nardol, Susan, Martha, Amy, Jack, River. All telling me it will be okay, getting further and further away as my eyes flicker open. 

"you passed out sweetie, Yaz caught you and we tucked you up in bed, kept you warm." Yaz's mum explains " its only been about 15 minutes and we've got some tea for you, Yaz has just gone to get some custard creams, says they're your favourite" she continues, her voice gentle, much like my own mothers voice. I never got to hear it much though, spent most of my time with my crazy grannies.

"mum, I'm back, has she woken up yet." I go to sit up, get out of what I can only presume is Yaz's room, I see her denim jacket hanging up on the door, but I am pushed back down. Not forcefully, mind. Just a small hold of the shoulder. I feel so weak that I probably shouldn't get up. "no love, stay here we'll get her in, don't talk if you aren't ready. Not if it will only cause you pain." Najia leaves leaving me alone in Yaz's bed, all tucked in her covers. They smell like her, lavender and tea. 

I can hear them talking outside, just grasping at a few of the words, but their voices are muffled. I catch Yaz's mum telling Yaz to be careful, make sure I don't get pushed, make sure I'm ok. But she should be saying that to me, about her daughter. I'm the one who let her get hurt, I'm the one who caused it, I'm always the one who causes the bad stuff to happen.

"doctor, mum said you woke up whilst I was out, can I come in?" Yaz says from behind the door, "i have custard creams"

"yeah, come on. We still need to have that talk though, so can you get your mum." I say as she walks in. She looks so tired, I can see the dark circles under her eyes even more now. She should sleep, I can tell her when she wakes up.

"no. Doc, sorry but I think its too much for you to tell her. You don't even have to tell me if you don't want to. Biscuit?" I take one and start eating it but I need to tell them, and I want to. But I can't.

"maybe you should take a nap, Yaz, you look tired, we can talk when you wake up."

"doc, I can't sleep, I barely have since we left you. I was worried I'd never see you again."

"well you see me now, so sleep. It'll do you the world of good. Please Yaz."

"no. Not when you could have panic attack any time now, not when there's something bothering you. Doc, even if you don't tell me everything, just a small bit, just one word, even if you tell me one small word. Thats something. And maybe then you'd feel more comfortable to talk later on. But doc I know you want to but its scary."

"stop going all police-y on me Yaz, I don't know what to say as my word, there are so many to choose from."

"then say more, doc, but I don't want to push you. Just say whatever you're comfortable with."

"okay," I say and I realise what I want to say, what I need to say, "Rose."

"well done doc, I'm very proud of you, now are we going to sleep or do you want to say more?" Se replies, taking this whole thing very well, very seriously. Must be all the police training.

"more. But I don't want to keep you up, it could take a while. And Ryan and Graham. We might be late. wait. I have an idea, if its ok with you of course, and your mum." I whisper it into her ear so Najia, who I'm pretty sure is eavesdropping, doesn't hear and panic and try to get me to stay here.

"yeah, ok, just let me make sure the coast is clear and we can go. I'll write her a note to tell her."