the day that time stood still (thasmin)

chapter 19

(yaz pov)

I look back to the TARDIS, just for one final look, one last glance back to everything I had. But she was right, the TARDIS had gone before I had that chance. I don't blame her, my reaction wasn't good, I would've been fired if I did that at work. But. I cant help but feel like I dont matter to her when she behaves like this, and her mourning isn't a good enough excuse for this type of behaviour. And everything in my body is telling me this was unjustified, and that I should try to apologise, my head reasoning with my body and telling me that, if we were strong together, this wouldn't have broken us apart so much.

None of that matters now. I dont pay attention to where my feet are taking me, home I hope. I'm done pushing myself through uncomfortable and dangerous situations for someone who is never going to see me as I see them. I'm not wasting my time on another Izzy Flint, on another person who is going to use me for their own game only to let me down time after time, again and again. I am so fucking fed up with people treating me like shit on the bottom of their shoe, so fucking fed up with acting like the good girl all of the time, filtering my thoughts so I dont have to feel bad about keeping them, even if no-one finds out. I am so done with changing myself to make other people happy, fed up with laughing at the stupid constable's jokes all the time, no matter how racist, no matter how sexist. I'm finished with letting the people around me rule over me so much, with people assuming things about me.

The funny thing was, thought she was different. She acted it alright, but there is always a facade with people, even ones like her. The ones who have had pain beyond comprehension, the ones who let you into their circle only to trap you there. The people who are so dependant that they dont consider your feelings. The people you admire, fall in love with, playing you, toying with your feelings. The people you put so much trust in. I trusted her so much. I let her into my thoughts, I let her change me, I let her pull me away from my sturdy life only to be pulled into the mess that is hers. I let her do so much because I loved her, so much.

I hardly notice the middle aged woman asking if I'm alright, or the dickhead telling me to smile. But they are there, just like always. I barely notice the pain in my eyes from crying, or the screams and shouts hurtling towards me. I dont register the screeching tyres on the ripped up tarmac until I feel my head hit the ground. Pain shooting through my head, the ringing in my ears blocking out the concerned voices of humans. I cant feel my legs, my hands becoming cold and wet. I cant see anything around me and I can barely hear the shouts coming at me. There isn't much point in shouting, but I try. Words getting trapped in my brain. My brain getting trapped in my head, my body trapped under the weight of an entire world. The tight gripping sensation of my chest, the near suffocation, was comforting and perhaps the only thing I could feel. My brain fading, eyes watering, or bleeding. Blood feels the same to water when you're this numb. My ears holding onto the faint ringing, which only happens because your brain can't cope with the lack of sound. Someone told me that once, her voice shouting , a faceless woman I can't name from memory, although my memory is fading now, everything around me is. I guess this is what dying is like, but it could just be sleeping with no dream to chase. My last efforts in screaming releases one sound, one I can just about hear through the ringing and the sirens and the screaming civilians.

"doctor!" My last breathe screams as everything turns black, the ringing fading into something much more subtle, like wind blowing through trees. the sound you will hear when there is nothing else to be heard, the sound of hope, the ghost monument fading away into nothing. And thats all there is now, nothing. I let myself be taken to whatever is next.